Saying Goodbye

What a year this has been. Last Friday was my last day at work. I left the building with mixed emotions; fear, excitement, tension but most of all relief. It is right that my days in that job are over just as it is right that I am saying goodbye to this blog. I'm leaving it behind in 2007 because I want to start 2008 on a fresh plate.

2008 will be the year in which I will enjoy myself. It will be the year in which the first words out of my mouth each morning will be carpe diem (seize the day). It will be a year of happiness. It will be a year of good things and I will reach out and grab hold of those good things with everything that is within me.

I'll miss you all. Thank you for your comments, emails and all. I'll be keeping a discreet eye on all your blogs and who knows, maybe I'll resurface again in blogville...

Until then, carpe diem (seize the day).

Who's Who in Jerusalemville

There are two Jerusalems; the one who writes this blog and the other, the intercessor, church worker and friend to all and sundry.

I reread my last blog entry yesterday. Yes, that was a particularly bad day. Thank God for this blog that allows me to rant and vent as need be.

I haven't really talked about my church work because I didn't think it was appropriate (I didn't want you all to think I was boasting) but I think I will now. In evangelical/charismatic circles, I'm what you would call an intercessor with the gift of knowledge. When I pray for people, I'm not lying but 98% of the time, I get the facts of their situation right and they hear from God. In my office, I know personal stuff about other people that God has told me in my prayer time. Of course, I don't say anything to them because that's not what it's about but I can't help but wonder, Lord, what about me...

I did get an answer once. It went something like this: 'Your gift is not for you but for other people.' I didn't like that at all but it's given me an appreciation of what pastors go through. They see miracles and answers to prayer in the course of their work and they go home to an empty house because they're having problems conceiving. It can't be easy but following Christ was never meant to be easy.

What is true Christianity?
True Christianity is dangerous. It's dangerous because it makes you emotionally and spiritually vulnerable. Let's face it, when everything falls apart and you're lying in shit, you don't have any choice but to be open to God. In Christianity, we call that being broken. It's dangerous because being 'broken' means being fragile and from my experience, it's not a particularly nice place to be. I want to be in control. I want answers but with God, I'm learning to accept that sometimes, you don't get answers. I'm learning that with each season of pain comes life lessons that we wouldn't have learnt otherwise.

I don't know if I love God. I don't know why I hang on so tenaciously to this faith of mine. I don't know many things but if there's one thing I've learnt this year, it's this: sometimes, there aren't any answers and I have to be content with that.

Hello

I'm still here. Didn't really have much to say so haven't blogged much. But I am alive and well. And that's the most important thing. I was thinking to myself the other day. Why is it that I'm trying so hard to do things, move forward in my life and I keep on getting knockbacks? Why is it that everywhere I look, I see people being successful at everything they do and I fail rather spectacularly? I know life's not fair but just once in a while, I need a break.

Pray harder. Fast more. Let God be God. You're doing it all in your own strength. I've heard it all and none of it works. I've prayed, fasted, let go, let God be God, done all I can to really make things work and still nothing. Am I going to wake up one day and find that I am a never-married 50 something woman, who is still carrying her disappointments and emotional pain around her like they're her best friends? I really, really don't want to and everything within me riles at the thought. So I try harder, to make a success out of my life, only I fail.

And I thought I was doing so well
I really did. I refused to look ahead. I didn't have any expectations. I focused on the here and now but all of a sudden, it all got a bit much and I'm back to square bloody one.

I've just had enough. All I want; get a decent enough paying job that will enable me to finally buy my own place and get a decent pension seeing as it's blatantly obvious that I will die alone. It's not much, so why am I finding it so difficult?

I'm mad. Mad at myself because I am trying so bloody hard and nothing is happening.

It's.Just.So.Shit

Last Night

I am physically exhausted. Only had 3 hours sleep. Church was great. Really, really great. After the service, I lingered around, not to find someone to have dinner or hang out with as have been my habit of late, but to just soak in the presence of the Lord.

During the church service, I spoke to one of the "prayer warriors" in church. I had to speak to someone, I really thought I was losing my mind. I told her about the black hole and all the blackness surrounding me. She listened. It was such a relief to talk to someone about it. I sought her out because she didn't know me at all and sometimes, it's just easier to talk to people you don't know at all because there's no history between you. When I finished speaking, with tears and all, she said, "Jerusalem, I hear the Lord asking you to be still and to worship. That's it. Just be still. And worship. I know it can be hard to do those two things in the midst of your pain but that's what I believe the Lord is saying to you. Don't do anything. Just be still and worship. Try it for 5, 10 minutes a day for the next 7 days and if you sense the Lord asking you to carry on, then do so. But for now, be still. Worship and allow the Holy Spirit to fill you with Himself."

It was very easy to listen to the woman. If anybody else had told me what she said, I would've screamed blue murder or more than likely, walked off shaking my head at the enforced spirituality of pentecostals.

I left the woman intending to do exactly as she'd told me. I was a bit scared as my mind was still fragile but I knew one thing; I was going to worship and be still. I hadn't bargained for what would happen when I got home.

The night-time
I was really tired so I went to bed at about 9.00. I could not sleep. I knew I was tired. My body physically hurt but my mind was too active and my senses heightened. I could hear every creak in my flat and the traffic outside seemed so loud. Then my heart started beating really fast. At one point, I really thought it would jump out of my chest. When I couldn't bear it any longer, I went to my bedroom windows. They were securely locked. Yet, it was still like the traffic outside was in my room.

I went back to my bed. Every creak, heartbeat and everything else seeming even louder. My body ached physically and then, it started getting hotter and hotter. I touched my skin. It was boiling hot. I looked at my mobile. It was 1112pm. I'd been in bed for over two hours without sleeping.

Suddenly, I felt this thing coming down on me. Although I couldn't see it I knew it was dark and creepy. It was an unclean spiritual entity. I couldn't see it, but it was there, bearing down on me. I could feel it. "Jesus, Jesus," I could feel myself trying to say. I forced my mind, my head to get the words out and then I shouted in the dark, "The blood of Jesus covers me from head to toe. I am covered in the blood of Jesus and under his protection and nothing can harm me. In the name of Jesus, I command you to leave this room , this flat, right now, in the name of Jesus! You have no power over me because I am His. I command you to leave this room and this flat right now in Jesus name!" Then I turned on the light.

The power of the blood
"Nothing can harm me because my name is written in the palm of God's hands. I have the mind of Christ. I am more than a conqueror in Christ. I am saved by the blood of the Lamb. God knows the plan He has for my life. Plans of good not of evil. Because I am His child."

I repeated the words to myself over and over again and dozed off, still with the light on. I woke up again in an hour, unable to sleep. I wondered who to call. I only knew 1 person with the spiritual maturity to help me deal with this situation. In the end, I decided against calling the person because they also had to get to work today. It wasn't fair to wake them up so late. In any case, I reasoned, I'm a Christian and I know the authority I have over spiritual forces so I just kept on talking about the blood of Jesus and my authority in it.

Another hour later, I slept for about 3 hours and woke up. To be still and to praise my Lord, Saviour and Delieverer.

What I'm doing now
At work. On autopilot. Exhausted beyond measure. I know a spiritual battle took place last night with me at the centre. But it is well. I have the victory. I can do all things through Christ.

Walking, Walking, Walking

I hardly take lunch nowadays, preferring instead to walk around everywhere. It clears my head and strangely enough, invigorates me. My last few months at the gym has made this surge of energy possible. Today, with the sudden drop in temperature, my walk was even more invigorating as usual. I returned to my desk, my spirits lifted beyond measure.

My last day at work is just before Christmas. Although I still refuse to think about what lies ahead of me, money and job wise, I've been looking for other jobs. A few agencies have called and put my name forward for a few jobs but I have no expectations about those. If I get selected for interviews, great. If I'm offered jobs, then even greater but I'm not beating myself up about it. Ever since I discovered that life is about managing expectations (yes, that again), I've been more realistic about just about everything else in my life. The jobs the agencies are putting me forward for are not what I would've chosen to do. In fact, I have no interest in any of the positions whatsoever but - and this is key - it's a job, it pays the bills and that is all there to it. My previous high expectations about life were childish and unrealistic. Life is about grafting, doing what you can and making the best of it all. It's taken me almost 40 years (the sum total) of my life but I think I finally got it.

A friend told me my "light" was gone. She asked me what happened. Nothing much really. Life. That's what happened.

The weekend
I was thinking of going to the movies. Not quite sure what to watch though. Seems to me that no sooner do movies come out than they're released on DVDs only to "premier" on satellite television a few months after.

Too fast. That's what it is. Everything is moving too fast.

Madonna Said

Madonna was on Oprah, a year or so after the birth of her daughter, Lourdes. Oprah asked her if she had ever felt alone. Madonna gave an example of one time she was in a room full of people and never felt so lonely in her life.

I spoke to many people last week about loneliness. They all said they made sure they kept themselves very busy. If you're busy running around, you wouldn't have time to think, they all said. So, they go to work, do stuff after work and generally keep busy.

I understand that. I fell into that trap of general busyness and then one day, the tears, fears and everything else I'd been trying to keep away for so long came crashing down on me. I'm still recovering. In fact, this blog was part of my healing programme. I wanted to write through and make sense of what I was going through without fear of being judged.

The black hole
This year has been about the black hole. Or maybe I was clinically depressed and didn't know it. It is difficult for someone who hasn't been there to understand what the black hole is like. It's a place of no hope, no energy and zilch self-esteem. Everything is just black. As an evangelical/pentecostal Christian, I felt really guilty about the way I was feeling because I thought I shouldn't be feeling like that. I thought I should be happy, full of joy, fighting spiritual battles and winning because "I'm a victor in Christ." I tried talking to a few people about what I was going through but the over-riding message was, "get over it" or "it will pass". Now, it's November and I'm still fighting and working my way through the blackness. Some days are good. Others, just plain awful. But I soldier on.

I think through my days, ascertaining and determining to be happy. To take charge of my life as much as I can because I, and I alone have the power to do this. No point in crying out to God if I'm not willing to do my bit. My post about Managing Expectations is all about this.

2008 cometh
No, I don't have any big plans or hopes about "wonderful things that will happen in 2008" because I'm old, jaded, disappointed and bitter enough to know it's all bullshit. You do the best you can and that's it. It's called managing expectations and yes, it's my new mantra.

Sunday
Actually, something good happened in church on Sunday. For the first time this year, I actually "heard" the service. I go to church out of habit, not necessarily to hear from God, and ever since I became a church worker at the evening service, my fulfilment has come from helping people not by the sermon itself. But not last Sunday. Usually, I don't remember anything at all about a sermon within 5 minutes of it finishing (I'm not exaggerating, it's the truth) but last Sunday, my spirit, my inner being was stirred by the sermon. I even had tears in my eyes. This hasn't happened for a long time. Not this year anyway. So maybe God hasn't given up on me yet.

Shopping, communion boy and all that
Still haven't been shopping. No money (what's new). Absolutely loving the gym (it's given me more confidence) and I haven't seen Communion Boy since I stopped attending the morning service. I wonder if he thinks about me...

I'm Darn Thankful!

Sometimes, it takes someone's miserable life to make you appreciate yours. I've heard a few stories of need in the last week and while they've caused me to reflect and be thankful for where I am now, a part of me thinks I've paid my dues. I should be at another level financially/spiritually/emotionally/faithwise by this stage of my life. Or maybe I'm just naturally inclined to self.

An agency called me a few days ago. They've seen my CV and would like me to register with them. Whatever happened to the days when agencies used to sign you up as you soon as you emailed in your CV? Now, they're like, "We'll call you when we have something for you," which translates as, "Don't call us, we'll call you." Knowing this, I said yes to the woman. Yes, I'll come in and register with you. And all I'm thinking is, I wouldn't hold my breath about you finding me something. What is it about agencies nowadays anyway? It seems like everybody I speak to has a sad story to tell about them.

We are 8 weeks away from 2008. Did you know that? Another year. More challenges. More mountains and more BS to conquer.

God help us all.

Managing Expectations

Ministry time was over but I hung around. I didn't want to go home. There was an empty, gnawing feeling inside me. So I scanned the church hall, looking for someone, anyone I could pounce on and convince to have coffee, dinner, anything with me, as long as I didn't have to walk out of the hall, alone and disconnected. It took a while but I found someone. A friend of a friend. Ten minutes later, we were having dinner. It was nice. I had someone to talk to and for that brief time we were eating, the emptiness went away.

Managing expectations
I know I have many issues primary of which are these:

I have far too little faith. I do not do well in trials. In fact, I hate trials and tribulations and see them as pointless exercises that human beings must needless endure. It doesn't make me a good Christian (we're supposed to endure) and I feel guilty about it.

I just want to be happy and that's my problem. I accept that one cannot be happy all the time (please don't give me that joy is better than happiness stuff). I accept that life does not operate on a continuum but surely I'm allowed to want to be happy, or is that a crime?

My expectations are way too high. Instead of always hoping and believing that something wonderful is round the corner, I should fasten my seatbelt and make do, because that is what grown-ups do. People work because they have to, not because they necessarily love or even like what they do. Everything within me riles against this but I think it's time I grew up and faced reality.

There are other issues but these are the "biggies".

The future
Is shittingly scary. I don't want to look too far ahead because I'm afraid of what is there. So I toil away at my current job, counting down the days to my last day. I don't know what'll happen after that.

Managing expectations. That's what it's all about. It's taken me a while but I think I finally got it.

Touch

My friends do not understand why I make a beeline for their little children every time I see them. I tell them it's because I miss them but the real reason is the hugs. I can go for weeks or even months without touching another human being. When I see those little children, I run towards them to get my fix of human touch. The modern adage that we are more technologically connected yet humanly disconnected than ever before is so true.

Why is that?

A few years ago, I went to a funeral. I sat at the back of the church and wept for the person who passed away. I was surrounded by couples and families and sitting there, at the back of the church, weeping as if my heart would break, I don't think I ever felt more alone in my life. I wanted someone to hold me, to tell me that it was okay, that everything would be fine. I wanted to be comforted in my grief. No one did and then, just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I felt someone's arms around me. It was a friend's husband. I fell into his arms and wept like a fool, grateful for the solace he offered at that particular time. At the back of my mind was the thought that God sent him to me to give me exactly what I needed at that time. Then, like now, I underestimated God. That is why I'm always so surprised when he comes up trumps for me, like that day at the funeral.

The leaves are falling. There is a distinct chill in the air as autumn fades into winter. I turn up my coat and turn my body inwards, cold wisps emanating from my mouth. I stand still for a moment watching busy people march confidently to their offices, decaff, soya lattes in one hand and laptop bags in another. Then I look up. I'm in front of my office. A deep breath and I'm in, another day has begun.

The Contemplative

I am at my most contemplative in the day time. It starts when I open my eyes and continues all the way through my work commute.

The question I've been asking myself recently is this, at which point do I wake up and say, "This is it. This is as good as it gets"? I'm asking because I really would like to know. If you think about it, we're all really treading the same path that's been treaded by billions of people before us and billions more will do the same after. We're born, grow up, get a job, get married, children and then, poof, death.

As a Christian, I know my life is somewhat different. My primary purpose is to know Jesus and make him known, right? Yet, why does it seem that there should be more? I'm filled with a sense of disquiet, of not settling and always reaching out because I so badly want to believe that there ought to be more. There is a struggle. I've been told that Jesus can fulfill my every need and desire yet, I bristle when I hear that because I don't quite believe that he can. Or if he can, it's not in the way that I would like to be fulfilled. Or, is it that I'm too full of self to look outwards and embrace all that's happening around me?

At some point, people realise (or decide) that maybe this is it. This is as good as it gets. Maybe I should take a leaf from their book and decide that this is it. This is as good as it gets. Who knows, maybe I'll have a better appreciation of my life once I've done that.

Discovering Self

A friend stood me up at the weekend. We were supposed to go out for a meal but he changed his mind. I didn't realise how much I was looking forward to the meal until he told me he couldn't make it. Perhaps it wasn't so much the meal but the company that I was looking forward to. I didn't realise I was so starved of human interaction.

After he stood me up, I walked around for a few minutes wondering what to do. I didn't want to go home to an empty flat (deafening silence mean anything?). In desperation, I called a couple I knew, intending to kill a few hours at their place. I got their voicemail. Suddenly, a light went on in my head and I found myself walking inside a Japanese restaurant. "Yes, table for one," I said to the waiter. He led me to a table where I ordered some food and the house wine. As I was ordering the food, I was filled with such a sense of peace and wellbeing that I thought to myself, "Actually, this is great. There is nowhere I would rather be, than being here, in this restaurant, by myself."

And it was true. I really did enjoy myself. I ordered some relatively expensive food and enjoyed every morsel. The wine didn't disappoint either. The whole experience was just what I needed and thinking about it now, I'll probably go back to the restaurant another time.

Blog update
Many thanks for your messages about this blog. I think I panicked about exposing my innermost thoughts about this (sometimes hideous) single journey and I worried about being judged. I'm working on another blog and will let you know as soon as it goes live. Having said that, nothing is as it seems in Jerusalemville at the moment so the blog might never be made public.

I'm still not sure about this blog. I've had quite a few kind messages from people which leads me to think that it does have a purpose but things are so topsy turvy at the moment that I really don't know if I'm coming or going.

As for work, well, counting down to when I leave. As for what happens after, who knows? But then again, anything is better than this; being broke, still renting in my late (late) 30s, in debt and an almost (smothered) hope of ever meeting someone or having children. What happened to me? Did I miss the boat somewhere?

Somebody please give us answers
I have to ask myself these questions because many single women I know are asking themselves the same questions.

"Jerusalem, it's okay for you," a friend said. "You don't have any problems. You're always so happy go lucky. Look at me, I'm 37. I want to settle down and have children but look, nothing is on the horizon. Is it a career I'll take to my grave?"

I laughed inside. I've fooled people so badly that even I am amazed when they think my life is honky-dory. I comforted my friend the only way I knew how; by telling her to hold on (well, what else could I say?). I've said it once and I'll say it again; it's not a case of marketing one's self or going "out there" to ensnare a man, any man. In any case, something happens when you're 35. You find out that men stop looking at you, choosing instead to look through you to check out the 20-somethings standing behind you. And that's a fact.

I think I've written enough for today. This was meant to be a light-hearted post but something went wrong somewhere. Sorry. Will try harder next time.

A Post of Sorts

My week has gone well. No news of Communion Boy but I'm now officially a church volunteer. Started off at the evening service last week and I loved it! Whether it was ushering people inside the service or praying for them afterwards, I absolutely loved it. I woke up on Monday tired but fulfilled.

I have some kind of bad news about this blog. The truth is that I set it up for purely selfish reasons. I wanted somewhere safe and non-judgemental that I could express my feelings about my single journey. What I didn't realise was that in focusing on just that part of my life, it would start playing into other areas of my life that I didn't think were issues in themselves. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not sure I'll keep up the blog anymore. Heck, I'm not even sure I want to keep it up. I'm torn between shutting it down and keeping at it knowing that people read it for whatever reason. When I read through some stuff that I've written, I wonder if I shouldn't be committed to some mental institution somewhere. I know I said the blog would be real, but come on! I didn't think I would emotionally outbleed myself all over the internet, which I've done. And you know what? I don't regret it.

The future
Is bright. Sunny. Uncertain. I've tendered in my resignation at my job. I have a few ideas on what I'll be doing next but nothing concrete. Some agencies have got back to me regarding some jobs. I wouldn't hold my breath because I know what agencies are like. But hey, c'est la vie.

Jerusalem is not finished. She might be resurrected in another blog. She might even decide that she wants to carry on with this one. Whatever happens, know this; God is in control.

Viva life.

Deliver us from Temptation

Oh dear. The guy from the life before has called me 50 times today. I'm not picking up his calls and neither do I intend to, but I do think it's highly inappropriate for the universe to tempt me at such a time like this, when above all else I'm highly sexually frustrated.

What, single (female) Christians are not allowed to say such things? Oh please.

Wanting More

Misery loves company. Sorry for the last couple of miserable posts. l am happy about many things but there are many other things that l am equally not happy about; my mum and being single which is why l blogged about those two.

I'll try and rein in my miserable thoughts. Actually, maybe not. This blog is meant to be about my journey and if l feel confused, happy or just plain shit, then l'll blog about it and get it off my chest. It is my blog.

Wanting more
Maybe there's something wrong with me. I really wished that l didn't have such a high sense of expectancy about life but l do. l keep on thinking and hoping that there must, indeed, be more to life than this. I don't mean something 'better' but something more, except l'm not sure what l mean by 'more'. If I die today, what would people say about me? Well, she woke up, went to work and on Sundays, she went to church and that's it. Is that a life? Or are my dreams and expectations unrealistic? Or, should l just make the best of what I have and stop being so infantile?

What is it that keeps us going? Not one day goes by that l don't look around my office and wish that l was elsewhere. When the clock strikes 5, l leap out of my chair and go to the tube station via a circuitous route so that l can get some fresh air and inject some life into my mind and spirit. And the next day, l'm back at my desk doing the same thing. Wanting more and asking God where l misplaced my getout clause.

There must be more to life than this. There must be.

I Meant to Say

My mother called me today. I had a lot to tell her but didn’t say any of it so as usual, I’ll purge myself online. Here goes:

I know what you want to hear when you call me but I choose to ignore your unspoken questions.

I know we’re both getting older. I’m terrified you will die before seeing my children.

When you told me my younger cousins were getting married and you paused to hear my reaction, my heart did skip a beat but I belted out ‘congratulations!’ because I didn’t want you to see my pain.

I would love to quit my job and let’s be honest, my life and move to New Zealand and start afresh but I can’t run away from my problems. I’ll only be carrying them to NZ.

I am more terrified than you are that I will end up alone.

I want to give you the very best things that money can buy but I can’t afford it.

I want to tell you about the wonderful dreams I have but I do not have the words so I’m silent.

When I wake up, I ask myself why my life seems so irrelevant.

I wished I wasn’t in so much debt.

I wished I was the kind of daughter you were proud of.

You mistake my gaiety for joy. When I laugh, I’m dying inside.

I laugh a lot because I don’t want people to see the real me.

There are so many things I want to say to you but I can’t. The words get stuck in my throat.

I wished we didn’t have so many pauses in our conversations.

I wished it wasn't like this.

Nuances

We approached the car, the (much younger) girlfriend and I. The boyfriend was a few feet behind us. This was a complicated situation. The car belonged to the boyfriend and being the girlfriend, she had automatic rights to the front seat, right next to the driver.

No way was I going to let that happen. I waved airily at the men behind us and said, 'his friends are coming and you know how long their legs are. I think we should let the tallest one sit in front as his legs are the longest.' If she thought that I was going to sit at the back while she lived it up in the front seat with her man - not that she would've, being a dainty, pert-breasted little thing - she had another thing coming.

Admittedly, the little non-incident was more about my own insecurities (oh how it rears up its evil head at the most inconsequential times!) than the fact that I was determined not to play 'third leg' between couples. I was jealous of the girl. She was in her early 20s and practically zooming up the altar. I wasn't, and if playing passenger games was the only way of getting my evil kicks that night, then so be it.

On another note
Nothing on Communion Boy I'm afraid. I haven't seen him for two weeks. Out of frustration for my humdrum, stuck-in-a-rut life, I volunteered myself for church duty only to find out that I've been placed in another service from Communion Boy. I didn't know what to do but figured, what the hell, if we're meant to get it on, we will.

I'll miss the thrill of seeing him on the tube though...

Action of the Week

Jerusalem: Hello?
Caller: I'm from - agency.
Jerusalem: Right
Caller: Can you tell me what you're doing now as I believe we have the perfect role for you.

I launch into my tired spiel about my present job and what I would like to do. The caller listens with polite interest.

Jerusalem: I assume you have a role for me?
Caller: Yes

He tells me about the job and I refuse to get excited. I've been down this road far too many times.

Caller: Jerusalem, can you tell me your salary expectations for this role?
Jerusalem: Well, I'm earning 24k now so I would imagine something like 30k minimum.
Caller (stuttering): Well, uh, erm, it seems we have the wrong role for you because this job is actually paying 40k. We'll get in touch (literally harangues me off the phone).

Changing tack
I laughed like you wouldn't believe. A few weeks ago, that would've floored me completely. I would've spent hours thinking and wondering when my job breakthrough would come but not anymore. I would've asked God, 'why? l've been job hunting for almost a year now and still nothing!' But not this time. This time, I thought to myself, 'my CV must've really wowed them for him to think I was the best person for that role.'

There are only so many battles I can fight. I know I am racing towards my 40s and in theory should be earning more but everybody's journey is different. 20 years ago, if you'd asked me where I think I will be by now (my present age), I would've responded without thinking, 'World Bank researcher or university lecturer with a triple Ph.D.' Funny how life works out, isn't it. But we mustn't look to the past. Onwards Christian soldier go. That's the spirit.

But I wonder though...why don't recruitment agencies and the working world in general like you making huge salary leaps? Do they really believe that you can't handle the leap or is it because they think your professional capability should already be reflected in your current salary?

My non-existent wardrobe
I'm sticking to my decision to empty out my wardrobe and buy quality clothes. Only thing is, I don't have any money. But no matter. When I eventually accrue some, I will go to all the shops I talked about in my last post and shop like a proper adult.

I'm looking forward to Sunday and Communion Boy! I'm going to try out a new make up style and while I'm at it, pray I don't end up with panda eyes by the end of church service. I was also going to blog about my gym visit but I guess I'll leave it for another time. Needless to say, I feel a lot better about myself already. The feel good gym hormones people talk about it is real. If I'm not careful, I'll end up being a gym addict.

Have a good weekend and thanks for listening.

Not Just Any Man

Anybody can get a man. When I was at uni, one of my friends had a weekend guy. Someone she spent the weekends with for no-strings sex. I had someone like that as well for all of 8 weeks. The relationship died because the guy started getting other ideas. That was the first and only time I had such a relationship.

Now, I am a Christian and guys (non-Christians) still ask me out. I say yes to some and no to others. The challenge is discerning what their motives are. Some of them are good to hang out with and the rest of them...well, a few minutes in a coffee house with them is enough to tell me where they will like this particular relationship to go. Hint: not church. My point is that if my goal is to get a man, any man, then it's relatively easy to do so. But I just don't want any man. I want one that is right for me, foibles, irritating habits and all. And it's not impossible. It's just taking me a bit longer than others. That's all.

I'm blessed with wonderful, fantastic Christian male friends. Some of them are married and some aren't. We hang out, enjoy each other's companies and do lots of family stuff together. Even when I don't feel like it. Even when I don't want to be around their wives and children because I feel my own lack of other half. It doesn't matter. I grit my teeth and get on with it because it's not about me. It's about them. That was until a few months ago when I took time out but now, I think I'm ready to rejoin the fold.

Next Sunday, in church, instead of waiting for the church to empty so that I wouldn't have to navigate my way through the families and couples that usually hang around after a church service, I will make my way outside and give a friend's child a kiss and a hug. I will say hello to everyone I see instead of hurrying along like I have an important appointment so I wouldn't have to talk to anybody. And best of all, I will smile when I'm doing all this stuff because sometimes, the determination to do something is all we need to make a success of that thing.

'Jerusalem, you're always in a hurry. Slow down before you burn out,' people have been saying to me all these months.

I haven't been busy. I've just pretended to be busy so I wouldn't have to come to whatever event you're planning but not anymore. At least that's what I hope. Habits die hard and with autumn and dark nights approaching, I'm not sure that I'll succeed. But I'll try.

Communion Boy update
Last Sunday (16/09), he got on the tube and into the same carriage as I. This is the second week that this has happened. We spent the journey to church shooting each other surreptitious looks. After church, I was hanging out with my friends (see? I've already made good on my promise to get out some more and mingle). From the corner of my eye, I saw him dawdling on the pavement like he was waiting for somebody. Or something. But get this, he kept on shooting looks my way. I know this because I was watching him from the corner of my eyes.

I love this stuff! It's like being back in school!

I wonder what next week will bring?

How Not to be Judged

When I first became a Christian, I thought it was okay for me to blurb whatever situation I was facing at that time to anybody in church. After all, we're all Christians, right?

Wrong. It took me a while but I finally got the message; not everyone needs to know my business. There's also the small issue of people's response to my trials. Seeing as this blog is about my single journey, I'll limit my examples to just that part of my life.

On the relatively few occasions I've dared to open up my heart to friends about what I'm going through as a single person, responses have ranged from:

Jesus is your husband. Concentrate on serving Him

There is more to life than getting married.

Married people have problems too you know

Judging the time and people
Like I didn't know all that. It took me a lot of courage to open up to these people. I wanted encouragement and, I guess, reassurance that I wasn't weak for admitting that I sometimes felt lonely. The kind of lonely that a prayer session will not take away. The kind of lonely that cannot be alleviated by friends but that by that one special somebody. But more than that, by opening myself up to these people, I guess I wanted them to reassure me that my vulnerability was safe in their hands.

Obviously it wasn't. I've been in church a while and I've noticed that a lot of people like lording their spirituality over others. I've met many singles like that. They don't want to show that they go through challenges such as mine. They don't want to show their vulnerability because if they do, they're exposed and their safety net shattered. So they say, 'Jerusalem, I don't know why this is such a big deal for you because all you need is Jesus. With Jesus as the main man in your life, you wouldn't have this desire to be married.'

I don't know about them but does being a Christian mean not acknowledging your desires? By saying, God, I want to meet someone, settle down and all that stuff, does that mean I automatically forfeit my faith in The Main Man? Does a couple's desire to have children automatically forfeit their worship of Whom they serve?

I didn't think so either. I opened up to 2 people and clammed up straight after, vowing not to be so stupid in future. It's one of the reasons why I started this blog. It enables me to be real with myself, reflect and forces me to be visceral when needs must. And if my mailbox is anything to go by, I've struck a chord with many of you out there. Even non-Christians. A typical response is, you say what many of us are feeling or going through but do not have the courage to admit.

Only the brave
I'm not brave. If I was, I wouldn't be hiding behind an anonymous blog. I'm not proud either. Those who know me in real life will testify that I'm not. My aversion to single's conferences stems from a hearty dislike of being patronised and condescended to. Or maybe, it's the Pentecostal ones I have an aversion to. They've made an industry out of the singles market. On reflection, I think I'm probably like the single people I wrote about earlier. In public, they appear to be okay being single. They do not have seasons when it's an issue. Being single is just a label that's been slapped on them by other people. I have seasons like that as well but there are times when it's just so hard and it's a real strain carrying on. But carry on I must. Because it's what I do. It's what people do.

Making Changes

I know this is meant to be a weekly blog but hey...

I have decided to make some changes. I will go to the shops and buy new clothes. I will clear out my wardrobe of the casual things I wear and graduate to more foxy, grown-up stuff. Things that other people take for granted, like smart jackets, non-holey t-shirts, smart shirts that make me stand taller, walk sexier and jeans that caress my not-so-firm derriere. I will not go to Primark to buy these things but instead, I will go to Zara, Principles, Mango and Next.

It is time I grew up.

What grown-ups do
In Primark, you get what you pay for; cheap chic. Zara and the other shops make longer-lasting clothes which caress and complement your body shape. I know I only earn mid-20k a year (scandalous, isn't it? why do you think I've been desperately trying to look for another job?), but I have to make drastic changes in my life, starting with my wardrobe. It's all very well and good being the always-laughing, easy-going, everybody's best friend but when deep inside, you're not happy within yourself, changes must be made. I don't like my wardrobe so I've decided to upgrade it.

Next stop, the gym. I joined a few years ago and I remember how happy and inwardly confident I used to feel as a regular user. It carried over into every area of my life, even the spiritual bit so, I'm going back. Starting tonight. I've been faking vivacity and joie de vivre for years, only difference is that this time with the gym's help, I wouldn't have to fake it anymore.

Relationship drain. I've been all things to everybody. In every situation, when people need me, I always ask myself, if Jesus was here, what would he do? If that was me and I needed help, how would I expect someone to react? This has led me to make some decisions that basically weary me. But not anymore. On Monday, I committed myself to doing something for someone but as soon as I finish with this post, I will call her and say, 'I'm sorry. I can't.' What's more, I will not fret over it.

Getting my own place. I don't have 1000s of £s saved up to qualify for the government-assisted home ownership programme but this is where faith comes into play. God will make a way. He knows why my financial situation is the way it is. I didn't take out loans to buy fancy cars or take holidays. I took them out to pay for my studies and other necessary things. At the time, I had no choice but their repayment is eating into my earnings. But no matter. God sees it all. He knows I'm trying. Despite the setbacks. And I will get there. I will get my own flat. Even if it's a shoebox in London or a squalid flat in Edinburgh. I am not in a position to be fussy.

And the final bit
Men. I will make sure that I am no longer in close vicinity with Married Man. We met for the first time a few weeks ago. We were with mutual friends and the mutual attraction was ridiculous. Our friends kept on giving the two of us meaningful, questioning looks as if to say, I'm keeping an eye on you two. And no, I wasn't imagining the looks. Some of them were quite blatant.

In any case, whatever attraction it is with Married Man; sex, lust, electrical, chemical, I don't know nor care. I just know that I will ensure that the next time we meet, we will not be left alone. I know that he feels the same way. Eyes speak even when the mouth does not move.

The future
Is in God's hands. My greatest fear is ending up alone and not having children. There are days when friends' toddlers' touches would fill my eyes with tears and days when I would just hug and kiss these wonderful children and thank God for their lives. I hope I have more of those days and less of the teary, painful reminders that I'm yet to join the Mother's Club.

Being single. It's a messy, painful, joyful journey. Thank you Blogville for giving me unconditional, non-judgemental space to reflect on this journey.

Growing Up Pains

Someone tell me, when did I become officially old? I was at an event the other day. I looked around and saw 20-something year olds with pert breasts, perfectly rounded buttocks and the kind of views on life that I once had - I know that because I talked to a few of them. Back then, in my 20s - especially early to mid 20s - things were black and white. Fresh out of university, the world was my oyster. I wasn't a Christian then but there was a sense of rightness or wrongness about things. Nothing was ever grey or in between. If someone did something or disappointed me in any way, I automatically labelled the person as Not Good. Now, I'm in my 30s and hurtling towards my 40s. I have something called life experience and Christianity behind me. And I know that things are not always as simple as they seem. I've learnt that human beings are fallible and in life - to put it bluntly - shit happens. And that's all there is to it.

'I don't have a boyfriend and I want to get married!' One of the girls at the event wailed to me. She wasn't even 25.

'The world is so big and the opportunities to learn amazing things grow each day,' I said. 'If I was you, I would concentrate on finding out about these "things" and ultimately, yourself, before you start thinking of getting married.'

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. And I meant them all. It was the kind of stuff my aunts and other "Older People" would say and I would think that they were being condescending and patronising. And now, look at me, spouting off the same things they were. I suppose that's what married people mean when they look back on their single days and lament the things they didn't do nor treasure. Like time.

The 20-something, pert-breasted, tight buttocked 'independent' young lady looked at me. I knew what she saw; a never-married, over-the-hills woman dispensing advice to a woman on the threshold of life. She didn't have to say much, her look said it all. It was the same look that I used to give Older and Uncoupled people when I was her age. Needless to say, we left it there.

And now for some interesting news...
Communion Boy sat next to me in church today. Oh Lawd. I have never felt as conscious of a man as I did today in that service. I don't know what it is about him. He's not even my type. Needless to say, I'm watching and waiting to see how this particular story unfolds. I don't know where it will lead and I don't care. I'm just going to be a girl and enjoy all the fleeting emotions I did when I was a teenager in the throes of unbidden lust. Or like. Or whatever it is.

What is Faith?

I was at a prayer meeting the other day. Inside, I was asking God to really talk to me about being single. I just wanted to know how or if this journey would end. It was so much easier when I wasn't a Christian. Then, I wasn't accountable to anyone but myself about my life or who I choose to spend it with. Being a Christian makes it more challenging. I've chosen to live a certain way and by certain rules, and as much as I chaff, I find that I cannot quite let go: I'm addicted to Jesus despite my many struggles with Him.

So, at that prayer meeting. I prayed for some light relief. God, just tell me when and if this single journey will be over. I'm weary. Following You has just been like one big albatross lately. As I prayed, I'm not kidding, I could hear a small voice talking within me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing; Your desire for a husband is from Me and I will tell you when the time comes to act on it.

Did I believe the Voice?

I wanted to.

Did I tell anyone at the prayer meeting what happened to me?

No.

Why was it so difficult for me to believe that God knows my legitimate desire to have someone of my own and would indeed grant it to me? If the Voice had said that I would be a millionaire in my 40s (not far off), I would've believed it. Why is it that when it comes to matters of the heart, I automatically back away and say to myself, 'Too good to be true. It's not going to happen'?

I want to believe. And maybe that's the problem. Wanting, not choosing to believe. So that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to choose to believe what the Voice told me. Even when I go to church and I see 40, 50+ year old never-married women and the evil one tells me I'll end up like them. I will not listen. I will believe what the Voice said because the alternative is far too painful and upsetting to think about.

Question of the week (from at least 3 people)
Isn't it time you stopped renting and bought your own place?

Answer of the week (from me)
I think:Why don't you just fuck off?
I say: When God makes a way.

Unbelieving Saint

I went to church today for the first time in weeks. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. Well, after spending the last 24 hours lusting after and hanging out with a married man, something drastic had to be done. So, I packed myself off to church. After church, I met up with a friend (married + 1 child). ‘J-, I’m not tired. I’m weary,’ I said.

‘I know. I’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself for the last couple of months.’

And I thought I was hiding it so well. After that, I met up with another friend, a male. ‘Tell me what’s up with you,’ he said trying to look soulfully into my eyes.

‘Nothing much,’ I demurred. If he thought I was going to open up my heart to him about my issues, especially my lack of dating issues, he has another thing coming. He’s been married for three years and every time he sees me, his opening line is usually, ‘what’s happening on the man front?’ or, ‘I just know the most perfect guy for you.’

I wonder what we talked about before he got married.

So anyways, I had coffee with him. Well, I couldn’t avoid him forever, could I? In any case, I thought to myself, ‘I’ve got to stop being so inwardly sensitive about this dating/courting/marriage thing.’

Turns out the whole thing was just a ruse to enquire about my ‘situation.’

I too am a person

I didn’t think there was something wrong with me until people started making assumptions about me. A few years ago, I went to see a Nigerian friend. His mum was staying with him and his wife in their flat. The wife wasn’t home and my friend popped out to buy something leaving me with his mother. She asked if I was married. I said, ‘no.’ She asked if I had a boyfriend. I said, ‘no.’ Children? No. She started espousing about the wonderful institution of marriage and how she didn’t understand why women like me weren’t engaging in it. I bowed my head and listened obediently like the good Christian girl I was and prayed for my friend to come back quickly.

Instead, the wife came and we ended up in the kitchen together. She’s a lovely girl and we’ve always got on well. There was a lull in the conversation and she signalled that she wanted to talk to me about something important. And then she started.

‘Jerusalem, you’re such a lovely girl. Always smiling. Always so jovial. I’ve been wondering why you’re single and I know why. You see, women like you - highly educated and all - like a certain kind of man; someone who’s at the top of the corporate ladder. Someone who’s up to your exceedingly high standards but I want to tell you that there is no such person. You yourself are not perfect and sometimes what you want doesn’t come in the package you expect…’

Can I just say that…

In the first instance, I didn’t realise that I had the kind of relationship with the wife that we – she – could talk about such matters with me. Secondly, she made the same assumptions that all married women and couples make about single women; we’re choosy. Our career is always first. We know the kind of man we want and we wouldn’t accept less. I don’t know that I choose my career over a relationship. The fact of the matter is that while I was building a career, no man came on the horizon and if he had, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Life happens and you take it as it comes.

Thirdly, about having standards. If what she means is just taking any man and hoping for the best, then no. That’s not what I’m about. It’s true. I’ve never understood relationships that are bankrolled by the woman. She pays the rent/mortgage, bills, car, buys the man everything and has always done. She can’t ever recall a time the guy has done anything for her except maybe their first date. If refusing to have such a person in my life is having high standards, then so be it. I’m not stupid, every relationship hits a bad patch. A guy is out of work and is trying to find another one. That’s different, but this tarring of brushes and saying that all single girls are career-driven and want only a certain kind of man is insulting. If you are a married person or are in a stable relationship and you’re reading this; do me a favour. Treat your single friends like human beings. Don’t talk to them only about their lack of man or woman. Show an interest in other parts of their lives and for gawd’s sake, don’t patronise them with, ‘If only I knew what I know now as a married person, I would’ve made more use of time when I was single.’

For heaven’s sake, don’t.

My funny valentine

I didn’t see the guy I fancied in church today but I saw someone else. This other bloke is relatively new to my church. I don’t particularly fancy him but he’s the kind of person that I can be persuaded to date. The last time I went to church, he was seating 4 rows in front of me and then, he did something that puzzled me:

He refused to take communion.

What kind of Christian refuses to take communion?!

Going Arty

It’s occurred to me that I don’t have fun anymore. I’ve been so busy hiding my inner self from the world that I’ve lost the art of enjoying myself. So, this week, I’m going visiting; to the museums, galleries and the odd theatre. The first two are free and as for the theatre, well, I’ll figure something. Either way, the whole emphasis is on fun and rediscovering myself.

And now for some ludicrous news. I’ve been checking out a guy in church. I don’t know who he is or anything about him. I’ve only ever seen him twice and to be honest with you, I don’t think he knows I exist. My head tells me that someone like him is bound to be attached to someone. It’s sod’s law. But another part of me tells me it’s okay to dream. I hope I see the guy again. I don’t know what I’ll do if I do see him though. I might smile. I might look away or in all likelihood, just walk past, flashing a smile as I do so. Or not. I’m in my thirties. I can’t do coy anymore without looking stupid, so maybe I shouldn’t smile. Maybe I should just walk past. Maybe I should stop with the maybes and see how it goes.

I’m writing about this guy because last night, I dreamt of him, which was strange because I haven’t dreamt about someone I like for quite a while. Okay, years. He wasn’t even doing anything particular in the dream. He was just there. I’m not foolish enough to think that the dream is a sign from heaven. It was just odd, having that dream.

The image of Christ

I was called fat the other day. I walked into the person’s living room.

“Jerusalem, you’re fat!” she exclaimed.

This is a delicate situation. I told her my body shape was quite weird and in any case, it wasn’t about how much one weighed. It was about clothes size. “I’m a UK size 10. The national clothes size average for a UK woman is a size 14,” I finished.

“Size or not, you’re still fat.”

I didn’t think I was affected until I realised that I’d been covering myself with a cardigan all week. The terrible weather helps but now, with the sun out, what am I supposed to do? I know I shouldn’t listen to what she said but words have a way of maiming one even if what is said is not necessarily true.

It is well.

In the Still of the Night

I didn’t sleep on Saturday. One thing and one thing only kept me awake. ‘If I died now, right this very minute, who would notice? Would anybody even notice that I was gone?’

My friend is in her 40s. She’s not married and doesn’t have any family in the country. I call her up a few times a week just to confirm that she’s alive and well. Don’t get me wrong. She doesn’t have a dehabilitating illness or anything. She has a great job, is full of life and loves the Lord with all her heart. There is no rational reason why she should die and her body left alone in her house for weeks without being discovered. And that’s the problem. We live in a fallen world and things happen; a bungled burglary, sudden blood clot or…anything. And that’s the fear of many singles - Christian or not; not having someone there when we need them. We’re also aware of our frailty and vulnerability. We want to belong and yet, sometimes, when we are asked to be a part of something; a social event or whatever, our vulnerability makes us hold back.

I’m guilty of this. I don’t go to ‘family stuff’ events which pretty much cuts out a substantial chunk of my social calendar. I don’t want to be faced by my friends and their young families neither do I want to be faced by my relatives and their families. I tell myself that I’m being ridiculous. Nobody will notice my tears when I see my friends’ children playing around. Nobody will notice if I turn my eyes away from a spouse’s familiar touch on the arm. Nobody will notice my gritty smile when they say, ‘Jerusalem, I can’t wait for you to get married and have children.’

And I’m right. They wouldn’t notice because they’re too involved in their own lives to notice the lone ranger in their midst.

Speaking the truth in season

I was with some friends a few weeks ago. ‘Jerusalem, do you think I’ll get married and have children? You know, have something of my own?’ a friend asked me earnestly. She wanted reassurance, I knew.

‘But of course you are,’ I said. ‘If that is your heart’s desire, there is no reason why the Lord shouldn’t grant it to you. He’s your Father.’

I didn’t believe a word I said. What I really wanted to say was, ‘I don’t know that you will get married. In fact, I don’t believe that you will get married. The truth is that you will probably have a fantastic career and dedicated church life as many church women do, but you probably wouldn’t get married and have children, just like many church women.’

My battles are my battles. My job as a Christian is to draw people closer to God, strengthen their faith walk and never, under any circumstances, make someone stumble in their faith because of my issues. I didn’t understand that before but I know so now, which is why I told her what she needed to hear, rather than the truth such as I perceived it to be.

Doing time

In answer to the infamous question, ‘what am I doing with my life?’, I’m keeping busy; job hunting, house hunting, finding out what makes me, me. Someday, somehow, perhaps I’ll be able to answer that question. Until then, who knows.

Scheduling

I've decided to update this blog on a weekly basis. I think it's better that way. So, starting next Sunday, I will have a weekly post.

In the meantime, I'll be thinking of those infamous words that was thrown at me a few days ago, 'Jerusalem, what are you doing with your life?'

And the Last Shall be the First

He's 2 years younger than me. He started attending church last year and he has a girlfriend. His story is that people dream of but never get there. He dreamt of the girl and their child before he came to the church. When he first told me about that dream, I couldn't and didn't put it down to fantasy. It was too authentic. I've been walking this pentecostal Christian malarkey long enough to know when God is in something. If they're not married within the next 2 years I'll be very surprised.

So, where does that leave me?
I envy them. A part of me wonders why it was so easy for him, after all, I've been at that church for 8 years and nothing. The other part wishes that I wasn't so self-centred, after all, not everything has to be about me.

When I was a child, I tried very hard to be liked. As a teenager, I wondered why I wasn't as pretty as other girls. At university, I pretended that I had it all figured out when the reality was the extreme opposite. I've left university and I still struggle against feelings of inadequacy. I don't like hanging out with my friends much because career-wise, they're waaaay ahead of me (and they've got the car, flat and other property they're renting to prove it). Most of them are on child 2 while I've yet to find myself a man. I know it shouldn't matter but it does and the older I get, the more it matters. There's nothing that kills the spirit more than being surrounded by couples and their families and there's you, resident single (no money, no car, a tenant not a property owner). It absolutely kills me.

So here I am. I wake up every morning with good intentions; be thankful for what you have etc but by the end of the day, I just want to crawl into bed and hide from the world. Who am I? I'm the girl that's always laughing in church. I'm the girl that's always there with a helping hand. I'm the dutiful daughter, conscientious colleague, buddy to her male friends and every girl's 'best friend'. I'm all that and not at all like that. I'm just a girl asking, seeking and trying to figure out my way in life.

My Almost-Love

We met at a work conference. I'd heard a lot about him from mutual friends and vice versa. Initially, I didn't know who he was but the electricity sizzled between us when we were introduced. Everyone noticed it. It took some time but everything fell into place. We traded mutual friends' names and compared stories. And all I'm thinking is, 'Lord, I just want to sleep with this guy.'

Of course I knew what I was thinking. Of course I knew that I should reign in my lust but I didn't want to. I wanted to know what it was like to be held by a man again. I knew everything I was thinking contradicted my Christian faith but I was past caring. That day, I wanted to be wanted. In the evening, I called room service and asked for the guy's room number. It was given to me. I dialled the number. It kept on ringing. I dialled again. I don't know what I would've said if he'd picked the phone. I don't know if I would've gone all the way if he'd invited me to his bedroom. I don't know about the what-ifs but I found myself going to his floor when he didn't pick up his phone. When I got to his room, I stood in front of the door and lifted up my hand to knock when I saw a few fellow conference attendants approaching the corridor. I didn't wait. I bolted in the opposite direction. I was the good, Christian girl. The guy was known as a slut. I'm not sure I would've borne the shame if they'd seen me in front of the room.

What if
We met again a few weeks later. This time I was sure. He wasn't in lust with me. He wanted to get to know me. I wanted to get to know him too but couldn't. He had a history with too many of our acquaintances. Plus, he wasn't a Christian.

'If only we'd met years earlier,' he said. I nodded.

Today, we're friends. We talk and hang out together. He knows how precious he is in the sight of God although he hasn't made a decision for Christ yet. Once in a while, I catch him watching me with regret in his eyes and I look away. It wasn't meant to be. Instead, I look forward to the future. The one that God has in store for me. One filled with promises and assurances that He knows my heart and will give me my own prince, one after His heart.

Amen.

Mind Games

My mind woke me up this morning. Turns out that even when I'm sleeping, it still works and in this case, overtime.

'Will I ever meet someone, get married and have children?' I asked the empty room when my eyes popped open this morning.

I don't have anybody else to talk to about this stuff which is why I'm purging myself on the Internet. If I tell anybody in church that I'm having a real issue being lonely, they'll tell me Jesus is all I need. If I say I just need them to empathise with me about the challenges I'm currently having as single person, I'm told that marriage is not a bed of roses. Any attempt to say that I understood that but just wanted to be heard, to cry with someone, to grieve for this season of my life is not welcomed. So, I just stick the smile on my face and do my emotional bleeding in private (thanks Frank Peretti for that terminology). But seriously, is it so bad to desire someone of your own?

Why is it so hard to be real in church? I see the woman who hasn't slept with her husband since they got married - she found out he was homosexual on their wedding night - and my heart goes out to her. Why doesn't she just leave? I know why, she has a lot of church cred because, wait for it, she's a married woman.

The job that isn't
I'm wilting in my job. I come in to work in the morning and my brain goes dead, literally. I've reflected on the job interviews I've had this year and acknowledged to myself that I could've done better in certain areas. I've downloaded interview questions and answers off the Internet. I've bought new 'interview' clothes. I've practised question and answer techniques as they relate to the kinds of jobs I'm applying for and somewhere along the line, I've given up. I've been on this train for a while and I just want to get off. My self-esteem is now officially zilch. It didn't happen overnight. It's kind of crept up on me and with all the other stuff happening in my life, my mind has changed. No longer does it say, 'Of course I can do that job! Of course I'll find someone, be married, have children and be fulfilled in every area of my life. Of course I believe that God wants the best for me.' My mind doesn't do that anymore. Instead, it feeds me insidious thoughts, 'This is your lot in life. How dare you hunger for more?' Sometimes, I fight it. Sometimes I don't because I haven't got the energy and other times, I'm indifferent.

Mama never told me
Whatever happened to that girl in university who swore world domination by a certain age? She was vivacious, bubbly and extremely popular. Somewhere along the line life happened and every trace of that girl was removed.

I'm still that girl. At work, in church, with family and friends, I am still that girl. But I know the girl is gone. The girl the world sees does not exist. The real girl exists on the pages of this blog.

Recruitment Agencies

I don't know what it is about recruitment agencies. I've just had this conversation with one:

Jerusalem: So, what's the salary for this role?
Consultant: What are you being paid now?
Jerusalem: £-
Consultant: What's the minimum you want for this role, or indeed any role?
Jerusalem: £-
Consultant: Hmm. Quite honestly, if you're looking for a new job, we don't recommend a salary jump of more than 5% and you're asking for a £7000 increase...that's probably why you haven't been successful in finding another job and you've been looking for so long.

Tell me, what am I supposed to do? I'm all for faith and believing but I come across this very often and I don't know what to do. What it is doing is wearing me down. Everyday in my current job is like my life being sucked out of me. I thank God that I have a job but it's time I stepped up and go up to the next level and I'm just getting knockbacks.

I devour recruitment websites. Devour recruitment agencies' websites. Devour newspapers. I've lost count of how many jobs I've applied to this year alone (100s, by the way) and still nothing. Is it me? Am I applying for the wrong jobs? Am I setting myself too high? Am I inteviewing wrongly? Does God want me to stay in my present job?

So many questions. And no answers.

About Jerusalem

This blog is really about me (no kidding). It will be visceral. It will be funny. It will be hormonal. It will be cerebral. It will be theological. It will be about many things but above all, it will be about me as I navigate my way through life and faith, mainly because I seem to perpetually struggle with both.

I like its anonymousity because it gives me the courage to say many things that I - and many other people - wouldn't ordinarily say. I will in all probability even annoy myself with some stuff that I write but hey, that's just like real life, isn't it. You say something and wonder why the hell you didn't keep your mouth shut in the first place. As they say, c'est la vie.

What it is to be loved

A strange thing has come over me. Everytime I see a ring on another woman's finger, in particular, a younger woman, I'm overtaken with rage and find myself muttering, 'stupid bitch.' I'm getting old and increasingly frightened that I will never find somebody of my own.

My married friends do not understand. 'Marriage is not all sweetness and light,' they tell me. I tell them, 'I understand that, but you have seasons of knowing that the person's got your back. As for me, it's all down to me and just once in a while, I just want someone to fuss over me. For a day. 5 minutes. 1 week. Whatever.'

The other day, I received some amazing news and realised I didn't have anybody to share it with. I told my family which was great but I wanted to tell a special someone and oh look, there's noone there.

It's worse in church. All those dating, courting and marriage books written by self-righteous and sanctified women with no idea of the peculiar dynamics of dating in the 21st century. I have never been to a singles conference and I refuse to go to one for much the same reason.

Lessons of life
I was hanging out with some gals the other day. One of them wondered if she would ever find someone. I told her that if that was her heart's desire, then there was no reason why God wouldn't grant it to her. If truth be known, I didn't believe a word of what I said. But hey, that's my problem not hers.

How did I get here? It wasn't meant to be like this.

Who Am I?

Who am I? That's the question that people ask, many times in the course of a lifetime. The Bible says that my name is engraved in the palms of God hands. That means that He cannot forget about me, even if He wanted to. Yet, I find myself wondering and searching for that elusive moment when I can say, this is it. This is really who I am and where I'm meant to be.

I have a great job and I've had a quite a few jobs in my lifetime, yet, I still have the undefined sense that there is something bigger out there. That this is not where I'm supposed to be. Some people call it the wandering eye syndrome. Sufferers are never satisfied with who or where they are because they're too busy looking for 'the big one', 'something better.' I don't think that's necessarily true because although I am content a lot of the time, I still cannot shake off the yearning feeling of there being more out there. Many women experience this. We yearn to belong, to be a part of something. When we're single, we yearn to be connected with someone. To be settled. Married. When we're married, for the most part we want (or yearn) in some cases to have children and during those seemingly interminable child-bearing and toddler years, we yearn to be validated outside the home. It's a perpetual cycle. Are we ever going to get to the stage when we can actually sit back and thank the Lord for where we are on the way to where we're going, because that's the challenge, isn't it?

The weather's rather arctic today. I need to hurry home. Today has been a good day.

I Think, Therefore I am

I don't think I think too much. Rather, I like to think things through. Which is why I'm here. I want to make sense of the things that I see, touch and hear. I want to make sense of this journey; Christianity and being single. And I hope that this blog will enable me to do that. Much has been written about the cathartic effects of writing. Well, I hope this blog will help me do just that - be catharticised.

The tears came again yesterday. After church, I headed towards the underground. By the time I got to my platform - journey total between my church and underground; 5 mins - I had tears in my eyes. Recently, this walk seems representative of my faith and single life. I know I'm on a journey. I know where I'm going but I don't know where I'm walking to.

I hate leaving church after the service in the midst of all the families and couples. I always feel like they're watching me leave and thinking, here she goes again, all by herself. So I sit in the pews until I'm sure the crowd outside has thinned before making my way towards the underground.

Yesterday, as I stood on the platform, waiting for the tube, an overwhelming sense of loneliness just hit me. Standing there, on that platform, was the sense of being utterly alone. I stood still for a moment or two, berated myself for being very foolish before straightening up and looking determinedly ahead. What happened to your pride, girl? I think it had something to do with the young couple I saw in church. The wife was pregnant. Seems like only yesterday they were married. Took me back to a scenario I found myself a few months ago. Everywhere I looked, friends were making planning plans to have child Number Two and there I was, nowhere close to even meeting someone. And just like I did on the platform, I straightened up and looked determinedly ahead to my future.

Three months ago, a friend sent me an email. Perhaps you should recommend x book to your single friends, he wrote. I sent him a reply: firstly, I don't read dating or courting or preparing for marriage books for the same reasons I don't go to 'singles' conferences; they are headed by a married person with no conceivable idea of what it means to be Christian and single in the 21st century. I don't want anyone telling me I'm whole and single because I know that I am whole and single. I don't anyone telling me that I should be making full use of my time as a single person because all that will go when I'm married which never fails to piss me off as assumptions about my time are wont to do. And thirdly, I don't like people telling me that I'm single because I want to be. After all, if I wasn't so choosy, so full of myself, so blah, blah, then I would be married or at the very least, be with someone.

Needless to say, he didn't respond. He probably thought I was being sensitive about the whole 'singles' thing, which is wrong. Because I'm not. I just want people to understand the complexities of today's dating world which when coupled with the teachings of charismatic Christianity has left millions of people - male and female - scratching their heads and wondering how in heaven's name matters have come to this; hurting, single people in the pews.