Hello

I'm still here. Didn't really have much to say so haven't blogged much. But I am alive and well. And that's the most important thing. I was thinking to myself the other day. Why is it that I'm trying so hard to do things, move forward in my life and I keep on getting knockbacks? Why is it that everywhere I look, I see people being successful at everything they do and I fail rather spectacularly? I know life's not fair but just once in a while, I need a break.

Pray harder. Fast more. Let God be God. You're doing it all in your own strength. I've heard it all and none of it works. I've prayed, fasted, let go, let God be God, done all I can to really make things work and still nothing. Am I going to wake up one day and find that I am a never-married 50 something woman, who is still carrying her disappointments and emotional pain around her like they're her best friends? I really, really don't want to and everything within me riles at the thought. So I try harder, to make a success out of my life, only I fail.

And I thought I was doing so well
I really did. I refused to look ahead. I didn't have any expectations. I focused on the here and now but all of a sudden, it all got a bit much and I'm back to square bloody one.

I've just had enough. All I want; get a decent enough paying job that will enable me to finally buy my own place and get a decent pension seeing as it's blatantly obvious that I will die alone. It's not much, so why am I finding it so difficult?

I'm mad. Mad at myself because I am trying so bloody hard and nothing is happening.

It's.Just.So.Shit