Who's Who in Jerusalemville

There are two Jerusalems; the one who writes this blog and the other, the intercessor, church worker and friend to all and sundry.

I reread my last blog entry yesterday. Yes, that was a particularly bad day. Thank God for this blog that allows me to rant and vent as need be.

I haven't really talked about my church work because I didn't think it was appropriate (I didn't want you all to think I was boasting) but I think I will now. In evangelical/charismatic circles, I'm what you would call an intercessor with the gift of knowledge. When I pray for people, I'm not lying but 98% of the time, I get the facts of their situation right and they hear from God. In my office, I know personal stuff about other people that God has told me in my prayer time. Of course, I don't say anything to them because that's not what it's about but I can't help but wonder, Lord, what about me...

I did get an answer once. It went something like this: 'Your gift is not for you but for other people.' I didn't like that at all but it's given me an appreciation of what pastors go through. They see miracles and answers to prayer in the course of their work and they go home to an empty house because they're having problems conceiving. It can't be easy but following Christ was never meant to be easy.

What is true Christianity?
True Christianity is dangerous. It's dangerous because it makes you emotionally and spiritually vulnerable. Let's face it, when everything falls apart and you're lying in shit, you don't have any choice but to be open to God. In Christianity, we call that being broken. It's dangerous because being 'broken' means being fragile and from my experience, it's not a particularly nice place to be. I want to be in control. I want answers but with God, I'm learning to accept that sometimes, you don't get answers. I'm learning that with each season of pain comes life lessons that we wouldn't have learnt otherwise.

I don't know if I love God. I don't know why I hang on so tenaciously to this faith of mine. I don't know many things but if there's one thing I've learnt this year, it's this: sometimes, there aren't any answers and I have to be content with that.