Unbelieving Saint

I went to church today for the first time in weeks. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. Well, after spending the last 24 hours lusting after and hanging out with a married man, something drastic had to be done. So, I packed myself off to church. After church, I met up with a friend (married + 1 child). ‘J-, I’m not tired. I’m weary,’ I said.

‘I know. I’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself for the last couple of months.’

And I thought I was hiding it so well. After that, I met up with another friend, a male. ‘Tell me what’s up with you,’ he said trying to look soulfully into my eyes.

‘Nothing much,’ I demurred. If he thought I was going to open up my heart to him about my issues, especially my lack of dating issues, he has another thing coming. He’s been married for three years and every time he sees me, his opening line is usually, ‘what’s happening on the man front?’ or, ‘I just know the most perfect guy for you.’

I wonder what we talked about before he got married.

So anyways, I had coffee with him. Well, I couldn’t avoid him forever, could I? In any case, I thought to myself, ‘I’ve got to stop being so inwardly sensitive about this dating/courting/marriage thing.’

Turns out the whole thing was just a ruse to enquire about my ‘situation.’

I too am a person

I didn’t think there was something wrong with me until people started making assumptions about me. A few years ago, I went to see a Nigerian friend. His mum was staying with him and his wife in their flat. The wife wasn’t home and my friend popped out to buy something leaving me with his mother. She asked if I was married. I said, ‘no.’ She asked if I had a boyfriend. I said, ‘no.’ Children? No. She started espousing about the wonderful institution of marriage and how she didn’t understand why women like me weren’t engaging in it. I bowed my head and listened obediently like the good Christian girl I was and prayed for my friend to come back quickly.

Instead, the wife came and we ended up in the kitchen together. She’s a lovely girl and we’ve always got on well. There was a lull in the conversation and she signalled that she wanted to talk to me about something important. And then she started.

‘Jerusalem, you’re such a lovely girl. Always smiling. Always so jovial. I’ve been wondering why you’re single and I know why. You see, women like you - highly educated and all - like a certain kind of man; someone who’s at the top of the corporate ladder. Someone who’s up to your exceedingly high standards but I want to tell you that there is no such person. You yourself are not perfect and sometimes what you want doesn’t come in the package you expect…’

Can I just say that…

In the first instance, I didn’t realise that I had the kind of relationship with the wife that we – she – could talk about such matters with me. Secondly, she made the same assumptions that all married women and couples make about single women; we’re choosy. Our career is always first. We know the kind of man we want and we wouldn’t accept less. I don’t know that I choose my career over a relationship. The fact of the matter is that while I was building a career, no man came on the horizon and if he had, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Life happens and you take it as it comes.

Thirdly, about having standards. If what she means is just taking any man and hoping for the best, then no. That’s not what I’m about. It’s true. I’ve never understood relationships that are bankrolled by the woman. She pays the rent/mortgage, bills, car, buys the man everything and has always done. She can’t ever recall a time the guy has done anything for her except maybe their first date. If refusing to have such a person in my life is having high standards, then so be it. I’m not stupid, every relationship hits a bad patch. A guy is out of work and is trying to find another one. That’s different, but this tarring of brushes and saying that all single girls are career-driven and want only a certain kind of man is insulting. If you are a married person or are in a stable relationship and you’re reading this; do me a favour. Treat your single friends like human beings. Don’t talk to them only about their lack of man or woman. Show an interest in other parts of their lives and for gawd’s sake, don’t patronise them with, ‘If only I knew what I know now as a married person, I would’ve made more use of time when I was single.’

For heaven’s sake, don’t.

My funny valentine

I didn’t see the guy I fancied in church today but I saw someone else. This other bloke is relatively new to my church. I don’t particularly fancy him but he’s the kind of person that I can be persuaded to date. The last time I went to church, he was seating 4 rows in front of me and then, he did something that puzzled me:

He refused to take communion.

What kind of Christian refuses to take communion?!