Making Changes

I know this is meant to be a weekly blog but hey...

I have decided to make some changes. I will go to the shops and buy new clothes. I will clear out my wardrobe of the casual things I wear and graduate to more foxy, grown-up stuff. Things that other people take for granted, like smart jackets, non-holey t-shirts, smart shirts that make me stand taller, walk sexier and jeans that caress my not-so-firm derriere. I will not go to Primark to buy these things but instead, I will go to Zara, Principles, Mango and Next.

It is time I grew up.

What grown-ups do
In Primark, you get what you pay for; cheap chic. Zara and the other shops make longer-lasting clothes which caress and complement your body shape. I know I only earn mid-20k a year (scandalous, isn't it? why do you think I've been desperately trying to look for another job?), but I have to make drastic changes in my life, starting with my wardrobe. It's all very well and good being the always-laughing, easy-going, everybody's best friend but when deep inside, you're not happy within yourself, changes must be made. I don't like my wardrobe so I've decided to upgrade it.

Next stop, the gym. I joined a few years ago and I remember how happy and inwardly confident I used to feel as a regular user. It carried over into every area of my life, even the spiritual bit so, I'm going back. Starting tonight. I've been faking vivacity and joie de vivre for years, only difference is that this time with the gym's help, I wouldn't have to fake it anymore.

Relationship drain. I've been all things to everybody. In every situation, when people need me, I always ask myself, if Jesus was here, what would he do? If that was me and I needed help, how would I expect someone to react? This has led me to make some decisions that basically weary me. But not anymore. On Monday, I committed myself to doing something for someone but as soon as I finish with this post, I will call her and say, 'I'm sorry. I can't.' What's more, I will not fret over it.

Getting my own place. I don't have 1000s of £s saved up to qualify for the government-assisted home ownership programme but this is where faith comes into play. God will make a way. He knows why my financial situation is the way it is. I didn't take out loans to buy fancy cars or take holidays. I took them out to pay for my studies and other necessary things. At the time, I had no choice but their repayment is eating into my earnings. But no matter. God sees it all. He knows I'm trying. Despite the setbacks. And I will get there. I will get my own flat. Even if it's a shoebox in London or a squalid flat in Edinburgh. I am not in a position to be fussy.

And the final bit
Men. I will make sure that I am no longer in close vicinity with Married Man. We met for the first time a few weeks ago. We were with mutual friends and the mutual attraction was ridiculous. Our friends kept on giving the two of us meaningful, questioning looks as if to say, I'm keeping an eye on you two. And no, I wasn't imagining the looks. Some of them were quite blatant.

In any case, whatever attraction it is with Married Man; sex, lust, electrical, chemical, I don't know nor care. I just know that I will ensure that the next time we meet, we will not be left alone. I know that he feels the same way. Eyes speak even when the mouth does not move.

The future
Is in God's hands. My greatest fear is ending up alone and not having children. There are days when friends' toddlers' touches would fill my eyes with tears and days when I would just hug and kiss these wonderful children and thank God for their lives. I hope I have more of those days and less of the teary, painful reminders that I'm yet to join the Mother's Club.

Being single. It's a messy, painful, joyful journey. Thank you Blogville for giving me unconditional, non-judgemental space to reflect on this journey.