Madonna Said

Madonna was on Oprah, a year or so after the birth of her daughter, Lourdes. Oprah asked her if she had ever felt alone. Madonna gave an example of one time she was in a room full of people and never felt so lonely in her life.

I spoke to many people last week about loneliness. They all said they made sure they kept themselves very busy. If you're busy running around, you wouldn't have time to think, they all said. So, they go to work, do stuff after work and generally keep busy.

I understand that. I fell into that trap of general busyness and then one day, the tears, fears and everything else I'd been trying to keep away for so long came crashing down on me. I'm still recovering. In fact, this blog was part of my healing programme. I wanted to write through and make sense of what I was going through without fear of being judged.

The black hole
This year has been about the black hole. Or maybe I was clinically depressed and didn't know it. It is difficult for someone who hasn't been there to understand what the black hole is like. It's a place of no hope, no energy and zilch self-esteem. Everything is just black. As an evangelical/pentecostal Christian, I felt really guilty about the way I was feeling because I thought I shouldn't be feeling like that. I thought I should be happy, full of joy, fighting spiritual battles and winning because "I'm a victor in Christ." I tried talking to a few people about what I was going through but the over-riding message was, "get over it" or "it will pass". Now, it's November and I'm still fighting and working my way through the blackness. Some days are good. Others, just plain awful. But I soldier on.

I think through my days, ascertaining and determining to be happy. To take charge of my life as much as I can because I, and I alone have the power to do this. No point in crying out to God if I'm not willing to do my bit. My post about Managing Expectations is all about this.

2008 cometh
No, I don't have any big plans or hopes about "wonderful things that will happen in 2008" because I'm old, jaded, disappointed and bitter enough to know it's all bullshit. You do the best you can and that's it. It's called managing expectations and yes, it's my new mantra.

Sunday
Actually, something good happened in church on Sunday. For the first time this year, I actually "heard" the service. I go to church out of habit, not necessarily to hear from God, and ever since I became a church worker at the evening service, my fulfilment has come from helping people not by the sermon itself. But not last Sunday. Usually, I don't remember anything at all about a sermon within 5 minutes of it finishing (I'm not exaggerating, it's the truth) but last Sunday, my spirit, my inner being was stirred by the sermon. I even had tears in my eyes. This hasn't happened for a long time. Not this year anyway. So maybe God hasn't given up on me yet.

Shopping, communion boy and all that
Still haven't been shopping. No money (what's new). Absolutely loving the gym (it's given me more confidence) and I haven't seen Communion Boy since I stopped attending the morning service. I wonder if he thinks about me...