Discovering Self

A friend stood me up at the weekend. We were supposed to go out for a meal but he changed his mind. I didn't realise how much I was looking forward to the meal until he told me he couldn't make it. Perhaps it wasn't so much the meal but the company that I was looking forward to. I didn't realise I was so starved of human interaction.

After he stood me up, I walked around for a few minutes wondering what to do. I didn't want to go home to an empty flat (deafening silence mean anything?). In desperation, I called a couple I knew, intending to kill a few hours at their place. I got their voicemail. Suddenly, a light went on in my head and I found myself walking inside a Japanese restaurant. "Yes, table for one," I said to the waiter. He led me to a table where I ordered some food and the house wine. As I was ordering the food, I was filled with such a sense of peace and wellbeing that I thought to myself, "Actually, this is great. There is nowhere I would rather be, than being here, in this restaurant, by myself."

And it was true. I really did enjoy myself. I ordered some relatively expensive food and enjoyed every morsel. The wine didn't disappoint either. The whole experience was just what I needed and thinking about it now, I'll probably go back to the restaurant another time.

Blog update
Many thanks for your messages about this blog. I think I panicked about exposing my innermost thoughts about this (sometimes hideous) single journey and I worried about being judged. I'm working on another blog and will let you know as soon as it goes live. Having said that, nothing is as it seems in Jerusalemville at the moment so the blog might never be made public.

I'm still not sure about this blog. I've had quite a few kind messages from people which leads me to think that it does have a purpose but things are so topsy turvy at the moment that I really don't know if I'm coming or going.

As for work, well, counting down to when I leave. As for what happens after, who knows? But then again, anything is better than this; being broke, still renting in my late (late) 30s, in debt and an almost (smothered) hope of ever meeting someone or having children. What happened to me? Did I miss the boat somewhere?

Somebody please give us answers
I have to ask myself these questions because many single women I know are asking themselves the same questions.

"Jerusalem, it's okay for you," a friend said. "You don't have any problems. You're always so happy go lucky. Look at me, I'm 37. I want to settle down and have children but look, nothing is on the horizon. Is it a career I'll take to my grave?"

I laughed inside. I've fooled people so badly that even I am amazed when they think my life is honky-dory. I comforted my friend the only way I knew how; by telling her to hold on (well, what else could I say?). I've said it once and I'll say it again; it's not a case of marketing one's self or going "out there" to ensnare a man, any man. In any case, something happens when you're 35. You find out that men stop looking at you, choosing instead to look through you to check out the 20-somethings standing behind you. And that's a fact.

I think I've written enough for today. This was meant to be a light-hearted post but something went wrong somewhere. Sorry. Will try harder next time.