In the Still of the Night

I didn’t sleep on Saturday. One thing and one thing only kept me awake. ‘If I died now, right this very minute, who would notice? Would anybody even notice that I was gone?’

My friend is in her 40s. She’s not married and doesn’t have any family in the country. I call her up a few times a week just to confirm that she’s alive and well. Don’t get me wrong. She doesn’t have a dehabilitating illness or anything. She has a great job, is full of life and loves the Lord with all her heart. There is no rational reason why she should die and her body left alone in her house for weeks without being discovered. And that’s the problem. We live in a fallen world and things happen; a bungled burglary, sudden blood clot or…anything. And that’s the fear of many singles - Christian or not; not having someone there when we need them. We’re also aware of our frailty and vulnerability. We want to belong and yet, sometimes, when we are asked to be a part of something; a social event or whatever, our vulnerability makes us hold back.

I’m guilty of this. I don’t go to ‘family stuff’ events which pretty much cuts out a substantial chunk of my social calendar. I don’t want to be faced by my friends and their young families neither do I want to be faced by my relatives and their families. I tell myself that I’m being ridiculous. Nobody will notice my tears when I see my friends’ children playing around. Nobody will notice if I turn my eyes away from a spouse’s familiar touch on the arm. Nobody will notice my gritty smile when they say, ‘Jerusalem, I can’t wait for you to get married and have children.’

And I’m right. They wouldn’t notice because they’re too involved in their own lives to notice the lone ranger in their midst.

Speaking the truth in season

I was with some friends a few weeks ago. ‘Jerusalem, do you think I’ll get married and have children? You know, have something of my own?’ a friend asked me earnestly. She wanted reassurance, I knew.

‘But of course you are,’ I said. ‘If that is your heart’s desire, there is no reason why the Lord shouldn’t grant it to you. He’s your Father.’

I didn’t believe a word I said. What I really wanted to say was, ‘I don’t know that you will get married. In fact, I don’t believe that you will get married. The truth is that you will probably have a fantastic career and dedicated church life as many church women do, but you probably wouldn’t get married and have children, just like many church women.’

My battles are my battles. My job as a Christian is to draw people closer to God, strengthen their faith walk and never, under any circumstances, make someone stumble in their faith because of my issues. I didn’t understand that before but I know so now, which is why I told her what she needed to hear, rather than the truth such as I perceived it to be.

Doing time

In answer to the infamous question, ‘what am I doing with my life?’, I’m keeping busy; job hunting, house hunting, finding out what makes me, me. Someday, somehow, perhaps I’ll be able to answer that question. Until then, who knows.