Mind Games

My mind woke me up this morning. Turns out that even when I'm sleeping, it still works and in this case, overtime.

'Will I ever meet someone, get married and have children?' I asked the empty room when my eyes popped open this morning.

I don't have anybody else to talk to about this stuff which is why I'm purging myself on the Internet. If I tell anybody in church that I'm having a real issue being lonely, they'll tell me Jesus is all I need. If I say I just need them to empathise with me about the challenges I'm currently having as single person, I'm told that marriage is not a bed of roses. Any attempt to say that I understood that but just wanted to be heard, to cry with someone, to grieve for this season of my life is not welcomed. So, I just stick the smile on my face and do my emotional bleeding in private (thanks Frank Peretti for that terminology). But seriously, is it so bad to desire someone of your own?

Why is it so hard to be real in church? I see the woman who hasn't slept with her husband since they got married - she found out he was homosexual on their wedding night - and my heart goes out to her. Why doesn't she just leave? I know why, she has a lot of church cred because, wait for it, she's a married woman.

The job that isn't
I'm wilting in my job. I come in to work in the morning and my brain goes dead, literally. I've reflected on the job interviews I've had this year and acknowledged to myself that I could've done better in certain areas. I've downloaded interview questions and answers off the Internet. I've bought new 'interview' clothes. I've practised question and answer techniques as they relate to the kinds of jobs I'm applying for and somewhere along the line, I've given up. I've been on this train for a while and I just want to get off. My self-esteem is now officially zilch. It didn't happen overnight. It's kind of crept up on me and with all the other stuff happening in my life, my mind has changed. No longer does it say, 'Of course I can do that job! Of course I'll find someone, be married, have children and be fulfilled in every area of my life. Of course I believe that God wants the best for me.' My mind doesn't do that anymore. Instead, it feeds me insidious thoughts, 'This is your lot in life. How dare you hunger for more?' Sometimes, I fight it. Sometimes I don't because I haven't got the energy and other times, I'm indifferent.

Mama never told me
Whatever happened to that girl in university who swore world domination by a certain age? She was vivacious, bubbly and extremely popular. Somewhere along the line life happened and every trace of that girl was removed.

I'm still that girl. At work, in church, with family and friends, I am still that girl. But I know the girl is gone. The girl the world sees does not exist. The real girl exists on the pages of this blog.