Nuances

We approached the car, the (much younger) girlfriend and I. The boyfriend was a few feet behind us. This was a complicated situation. The car belonged to the boyfriend and being the girlfriend, she had automatic rights to the front seat, right next to the driver.

No way was I going to let that happen. I waved airily at the men behind us and said, 'his friends are coming and you know how long their legs are. I think we should let the tallest one sit in front as his legs are the longest.' If she thought that I was going to sit at the back while she lived it up in the front seat with her man - not that she would've, being a dainty, pert-breasted little thing - she had another thing coming.

Admittedly, the little non-incident was more about my own insecurities (oh how it rears up its evil head at the most inconsequential times!) than the fact that I was determined not to play 'third leg' between couples. I was jealous of the girl. She was in her early 20s and practically zooming up the altar. I wasn't, and if playing passenger games was the only way of getting my evil kicks that night, then so be it.

On another note
Nothing on Communion Boy I'm afraid. I haven't seen him for two weeks. Out of frustration for my humdrum, stuck-in-a-rut life, I volunteered myself for church duty only to find out that I've been placed in another service from Communion Boy. I didn't know what to do but figured, what the hell, if we're meant to get it on, we will.

I'll miss the thrill of seeing him on the tube though...

Action of the Week

Jerusalem: Hello?
Caller: I'm from - agency.
Jerusalem: Right
Caller: Can you tell me what you're doing now as I believe we have the perfect role for you.

I launch into my tired spiel about my present job and what I would like to do. The caller listens with polite interest.

Jerusalem: I assume you have a role for me?
Caller: Yes

He tells me about the job and I refuse to get excited. I've been down this road far too many times.

Caller: Jerusalem, can you tell me your salary expectations for this role?
Jerusalem: Well, I'm earning 24k now so I would imagine something like 30k minimum.
Caller (stuttering): Well, uh, erm, it seems we have the wrong role for you because this job is actually paying 40k. We'll get in touch (literally harangues me off the phone).

Changing tack
I laughed like you wouldn't believe. A few weeks ago, that would've floored me completely. I would've spent hours thinking and wondering when my job breakthrough would come but not anymore. I would've asked God, 'why? l've been job hunting for almost a year now and still nothing!' But not this time. This time, I thought to myself, 'my CV must've really wowed them for him to think I was the best person for that role.'

There are only so many battles I can fight. I know I am racing towards my 40s and in theory should be earning more but everybody's journey is different. 20 years ago, if you'd asked me where I think I will be by now (my present age), I would've responded without thinking, 'World Bank researcher or university lecturer with a triple Ph.D.' Funny how life works out, isn't it. But we mustn't look to the past. Onwards Christian soldier go. That's the spirit.

But I wonder though...why don't recruitment agencies and the working world in general like you making huge salary leaps? Do they really believe that you can't handle the leap or is it because they think your professional capability should already be reflected in your current salary?

My non-existent wardrobe
I'm sticking to my decision to empty out my wardrobe and buy quality clothes. Only thing is, I don't have any money. But no matter. When I eventually accrue some, I will go to all the shops I talked about in my last post and shop like a proper adult.

I'm looking forward to Sunday and Communion Boy! I'm going to try out a new make up style and while I'm at it, pray I don't end up with panda eyes by the end of church service. I was also going to blog about my gym visit but I guess I'll leave it for another time. Needless to say, I feel a lot better about myself already. The feel good gym hormones people talk about it is real. If I'm not careful, I'll end up being a gym addict.

Have a good weekend and thanks for listening.

Not Just Any Man

Anybody can get a man. When I was at uni, one of my friends had a weekend guy. Someone she spent the weekends with for no-strings sex. I had someone like that as well for all of 8 weeks. The relationship died because the guy started getting other ideas. That was the first and only time I had such a relationship.

Now, I am a Christian and guys (non-Christians) still ask me out. I say yes to some and no to others. The challenge is discerning what their motives are. Some of them are good to hang out with and the rest of them...well, a few minutes in a coffee house with them is enough to tell me where they will like this particular relationship to go. Hint: not church. My point is that if my goal is to get a man, any man, then it's relatively easy to do so. But I just don't want any man. I want one that is right for me, foibles, irritating habits and all. And it's not impossible. It's just taking me a bit longer than others. That's all.

I'm blessed with wonderful, fantastic Christian male friends. Some of them are married and some aren't. We hang out, enjoy each other's companies and do lots of family stuff together. Even when I don't feel like it. Even when I don't want to be around their wives and children because I feel my own lack of other half. It doesn't matter. I grit my teeth and get on with it because it's not about me. It's about them. That was until a few months ago when I took time out but now, I think I'm ready to rejoin the fold.

Next Sunday, in church, instead of waiting for the church to empty so that I wouldn't have to navigate my way through the families and couples that usually hang around after a church service, I will make my way outside and give a friend's child a kiss and a hug. I will say hello to everyone I see instead of hurrying along like I have an important appointment so I wouldn't have to talk to anybody. And best of all, I will smile when I'm doing all this stuff because sometimes, the determination to do something is all we need to make a success of that thing.

'Jerusalem, you're always in a hurry. Slow down before you burn out,' people have been saying to me all these months.

I haven't been busy. I've just pretended to be busy so I wouldn't have to come to whatever event you're planning but not anymore. At least that's what I hope. Habits die hard and with autumn and dark nights approaching, I'm not sure that I'll succeed. But I'll try.

Communion Boy update
Last Sunday (16/09), he got on the tube and into the same carriage as I. This is the second week that this has happened. We spent the journey to church shooting each other surreptitious looks. After church, I was hanging out with my friends (see? I've already made good on my promise to get out some more and mingle). From the corner of my eye, I saw him dawdling on the pavement like he was waiting for somebody. Or something. But get this, he kept on shooting looks my way. I know this because I was watching him from the corner of my eyes.

I love this stuff! It's like being back in school!

I wonder what next week will bring?

How Not to be Judged

When I first became a Christian, I thought it was okay for me to blurb whatever situation I was facing at that time to anybody in church. After all, we're all Christians, right?

Wrong. It took me a while but I finally got the message; not everyone needs to know my business. There's also the small issue of people's response to my trials. Seeing as this blog is about my single journey, I'll limit my examples to just that part of my life.

On the relatively few occasions I've dared to open up my heart to friends about what I'm going through as a single person, responses have ranged from:

Jesus is your husband. Concentrate on serving Him

There is more to life than getting married.

Married people have problems too you know

Judging the time and people
Like I didn't know all that. It took me a lot of courage to open up to these people. I wanted encouragement and, I guess, reassurance that I wasn't weak for admitting that I sometimes felt lonely. The kind of lonely that a prayer session will not take away. The kind of lonely that cannot be alleviated by friends but that by that one special somebody. But more than that, by opening myself up to these people, I guess I wanted them to reassure me that my vulnerability was safe in their hands.

Obviously it wasn't. I've been in church a while and I've noticed that a lot of people like lording their spirituality over others. I've met many singles like that. They don't want to show that they go through challenges such as mine. They don't want to show their vulnerability because if they do, they're exposed and their safety net shattered. So they say, 'Jerusalem, I don't know why this is such a big deal for you because all you need is Jesus. With Jesus as the main man in your life, you wouldn't have this desire to be married.'

I don't know about them but does being a Christian mean not acknowledging your desires? By saying, God, I want to meet someone, settle down and all that stuff, does that mean I automatically forfeit my faith in The Main Man? Does a couple's desire to have children automatically forfeit their worship of Whom they serve?

I didn't think so either. I opened up to 2 people and clammed up straight after, vowing not to be so stupid in future. It's one of the reasons why I started this blog. It enables me to be real with myself, reflect and forces me to be visceral when needs must. And if my mailbox is anything to go by, I've struck a chord with many of you out there. Even non-Christians. A typical response is, you say what many of us are feeling or going through but do not have the courage to admit.

Only the brave
I'm not brave. If I was, I wouldn't be hiding behind an anonymous blog. I'm not proud either. Those who know me in real life will testify that I'm not. My aversion to single's conferences stems from a hearty dislike of being patronised and condescended to. Or maybe, it's the Pentecostal ones I have an aversion to. They've made an industry out of the singles market. On reflection, I think I'm probably like the single people I wrote about earlier. In public, they appear to be okay being single. They do not have seasons when it's an issue. Being single is just a label that's been slapped on them by other people. I have seasons like that as well but there are times when it's just so hard and it's a real strain carrying on. But carry on I must. Because it's what I do. It's what people do.

Making Changes

I know this is meant to be a weekly blog but hey...

I have decided to make some changes. I will go to the shops and buy new clothes. I will clear out my wardrobe of the casual things I wear and graduate to more foxy, grown-up stuff. Things that other people take for granted, like smart jackets, non-holey t-shirts, smart shirts that make me stand taller, walk sexier and jeans that caress my not-so-firm derriere. I will not go to Primark to buy these things but instead, I will go to Zara, Principles, Mango and Next.

It is time I grew up.

What grown-ups do
In Primark, you get what you pay for; cheap chic. Zara and the other shops make longer-lasting clothes which caress and complement your body shape. I know I only earn mid-20k a year (scandalous, isn't it? why do you think I've been desperately trying to look for another job?), but I have to make drastic changes in my life, starting with my wardrobe. It's all very well and good being the always-laughing, easy-going, everybody's best friend but when deep inside, you're not happy within yourself, changes must be made. I don't like my wardrobe so I've decided to upgrade it.

Next stop, the gym. I joined a few years ago and I remember how happy and inwardly confident I used to feel as a regular user. It carried over into every area of my life, even the spiritual bit so, I'm going back. Starting tonight. I've been faking vivacity and joie de vivre for years, only difference is that this time with the gym's help, I wouldn't have to fake it anymore.

Relationship drain. I've been all things to everybody. In every situation, when people need me, I always ask myself, if Jesus was here, what would he do? If that was me and I needed help, how would I expect someone to react? This has led me to make some decisions that basically weary me. But not anymore. On Monday, I committed myself to doing something for someone but as soon as I finish with this post, I will call her and say, 'I'm sorry. I can't.' What's more, I will not fret over it.

Getting my own place. I don't have 1000s of £s saved up to qualify for the government-assisted home ownership programme but this is where faith comes into play. God will make a way. He knows why my financial situation is the way it is. I didn't take out loans to buy fancy cars or take holidays. I took them out to pay for my studies and other necessary things. At the time, I had no choice but their repayment is eating into my earnings. But no matter. God sees it all. He knows I'm trying. Despite the setbacks. And I will get there. I will get my own flat. Even if it's a shoebox in London or a squalid flat in Edinburgh. I am not in a position to be fussy.

And the final bit
Men. I will make sure that I am no longer in close vicinity with Married Man. We met for the first time a few weeks ago. We were with mutual friends and the mutual attraction was ridiculous. Our friends kept on giving the two of us meaningful, questioning looks as if to say, I'm keeping an eye on you two. And no, I wasn't imagining the looks. Some of them were quite blatant.

In any case, whatever attraction it is with Married Man; sex, lust, electrical, chemical, I don't know nor care. I just know that I will ensure that the next time we meet, we will not be left alone. I know that he feels the same way. Eyes speak even when the mouth does not move.

The future
Is in God's hands. My greatest fear is ending up alone and not having children. There are days when friends' toddlers' touches would fill my eyes with tears and days when I would just hug and kiss these wonderful children and thank God for their lives. I hope I have more of those days and less of the teary, painful reminders that I'm yet to join the Mother's Club.

Being single. It's a messy, painful, joyful journey. Thank you Blogville for giving me unconditional, non-judgemental space to reflect on this journey.

Growing Up Pains

Someone tell me, when did I become officially old? I was at an event the other day. I looked around and saw 20-something year olds with pert breasts, perfectly rounded buttocks and the kind of views on life that I once had - I know that because I talked to a few of them. Back then, in my 20s - especially early to mid 20s - things were black and white. Fresh out of university, the world was my oyster. I wasn't a Christian then but there was a sense of rightness or wrongness about things. Nothing was ever grey or in between. If someone did something or disappointed me in any way, I automatically labelled the person as Not Good. Now, I'm in my 30s and hurtling towards my 40s. I have something called life experience and Christianity behind me. And I know that things are not always as simple as they seem. I've learnt that human beings are fallible and in life - to put it bluntly - shit happens. And that's all there is to it.

'I don't have a boyfriend and I want to get married!' One of the girls at the event wailed to me. She wasn't even 25.

'The world is so big and the opportunities to learn amazing things grow each day,' I said. 'If I was you, I would concentrate on finding out about these "things" and ultimately, yourself, before you start thinking of getting married.'

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. And I meant them all. It was the kind of stuff my aunts and other "Older People" would say and I would think that they were being condescending and patronising. And now, look at me, spouting off the same things they were. I suppose that's what married people mean when they look back on their single days and lament the things they didn't do nor treasure. Like time.

The 20-something, pert-breasted, tight buttocked 'independent' young lady looked at me. I knew what she saw; a never-married, over-the-hills woman dispensing advice to a woman on the threshold of life. She didn't have to say much, her look said it all. It was the same look that I used to give Older and Uncoupled people when I was her age. Needless to say, we left it there.

And now for some interesting news...
Communion Boy sat next to me in church today. Oh Lawd. I have never felt as conscious of a man as I did today in that service. I don't know what it is about him. He's not even my type. Needless to say, I'm watching and waiting to see how this particular story unfolds. I don't know where it will lead and I don't care. I'm just going to be a girl and enjoy all the fleeting emotions I did when I was a teenager in the throes of unbidden lust. Or like. Or whatever it is.

What is Faith?

I was at a prayer meeting the other day. Inside, I was asking God to really talk to me about being single. I just wanted to know how or if this journey would end. It was so much easier when I wasn't a Christian. Then, I wasn't accountable to anyone but myself about my life or who I choose to spend it with. Being a Christian makes it more challenging. I've chosen to live a certain way and by certain rules, and as much as I chaff, I find that I cannot quite let go: I'm addicted to Jesus despite my many struggles with Him.

So, at that prayer meeting. I prayed for some light relief. God, just tell me when and if this single journey will be over. I'm weary. Following You has just been like one big albatross lately. As I prayed, I'm not kidding, I could hear a small voice talking within me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing; Your desire for a husband is from Me and I will tell you when the time comes to act on it.

Did I believe the Voice?

I wanted to.

Did I tell anyone at the prayer meeting what happened to me?

No.

Why was it so difficult for me to believe that God knows my legitimate desire to have someone of my own and would indeed grant it to me? If the Voice had said that I would be a millionaire in my 40s (not far off), I would've believed it. Why is it that when it comes to matters of the heart, I automatically back away and say to myself, 'Too good to be true. It's not going to happen'?

I want to believe. And maybe that's the problem. Wanting, not choosing to believe. So that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to choose to believe what the Voice told me. Even when I go to church and I see 40, 50+ year old never-married women and the evil one tells me I'll end up like them. I will not listen. I will believe what the Voice said because the alternative is far too painful and upsetting to think about.

Question of the week (from at least 3 people)
Isn't it time you stopped renting and bought your own place?

Answer of the week (from me)
I think:Why don't you just fuck off?
I say: When God makes a way.

Unbelieving Saint

I went to church today for the first time in weeks. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. Well, after spending the last 24 hours lusting after and hanging out with a married man, something drastic had to be done. So, I packed myself off to church. After church, I met up with a friend (married + 1 child). ‘J-, I’m not tired. I’m weary,’ I said.

‘I know. I’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself for the last couple of months.’

And I thought I was hiding it so well. After that, I met up with another friend, a male. ‘Tell me what’s up with you,’ he said trying to look soulfully into my eyes.

‘Nothing much,’ I demurred. If he thought I was going to open up my heart to him about my issues, especially my lack of dating issues, he has another thing coming. He’s been married for three years and every time he sees me, his opening line is usually, ‘what’s happening on the man front?’ or, ‘I just know the most perfect guy for you.’

I wonder what we talked about before he got married.

So anyways, I had coffee with him. Well, I couldn’t avoid him forever, could I? In any case, I thought to myself, ‘I’ve got to stop being so inwardly sensitive about this dating/courting/marriage thing.’

Turns out the whole thing was just a ruse to enquire about my ‘situation.’

I too am a person

I didn’t think there was something wrong with me until people started making assumptions about me. A few years ago, I went to see a Nigerian friend. His mum was staying with him and his wife in their flat. The wife wasn’t home and my friend popped out to buy something leaving me with his mother. She asked if I was married. I said, ‘no.’ She asked if I had a boyfriend. I said, ‘no.’ Children? No. She started espousing about the wonderful institution of marriage and how she didn’t understand why women like me weren’t engaging in it. I bowed my head and listened obediently like the good Christian girl I was and prayed for my friend to come back quickly.

Instead, the wife came and we ended up in the kitchen together. She’s a lovely girl and we’ve always got on well. There was a lull in the conversation and she signalled that she wanted to talk to me about something important. And then she started.

‘Jerusalem, you’re such a lovely girl. Always smiling. Always so jovial. I’ve been wondering why you’re single and I know why. You see, women like you - highly educated and all - like a certain kind of man; someone who’s at the top of the corporate ladder. Someone who’s up to your exceedingly high standards but I want to tell you that there is no such person. You yourself are not perfect and sometimes what you want doesn’t come in the package you expect…’

Can I just say that…

In the first instance, I didn’t realise that I had the kind of relationship with the wife that we – she – could talk about such matters with me. Secondly, she made the same assumptions that all married women and couples make about single women; we’re choosy. Our career is always first. We know the kind of man we want and we wouldn’t accept less. I don’t know that I choose my career over a relationship. The fact of the matter is that while I was building a career, no man came on the horizon and if he had, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Life happens and you take it as it comes.

Thirdly, about having standards. If what she means is just taking any man and hoping for the best, then no. That’s not what I’m about. It’s true. I’ve never understood relationships that are bankrolled by the woman. She pays the rent/mortgage, bills, car, buys the man everything and has always done. She can’t ever recall a time the guy has done anything for her except maybe their first date. If refusing to have such a person in my life is having high standards, then so be it. I’m not stupid, every relationship hits a bad patch. A guy is out of work and is trying to find another one. That’s different, but this tarring of brushes and saying that all single girls are career-driven and want only a certain kind of man is insulting. If you are a married person or are in a stable relationship and you’re reading this; do me a favour. Treat your single friends like human beings. Don’t talk to them only about their lack of man or woman. Show an interest in other parts of their lives and for gawd’s sake, don’t patronise them with, ‘If only I knew what I know now as a married person, I would’ve made more use of time when I was single.’

For heaven’s sake, don’t.

My funny valentine

I didn’t see the guy I fancied in church today but I saw someone else. This other bloke is relatively new to my church. I don’t particularly fancy him but he’s the kind of person that I can be persuaded to date. The last time I went to church, he was seating 4 rows in front of me and then, he did something that puzzled me:

He refused to take communion.

What kind of Christian refuses to take communion?!