Ministry time was over but I hung around. I didn't want to go home. There was an empty, gnawing feeling inside me. So I scanned the church hall, looking for someone, anyone I could pounce on and convince to have coffee, dinner, anything with me, as long as I didn't have to walk out of the hall, alone and disconnected. It took a while but I found someone. A friend of a friend. Ten minutes later, we were having dinner. It was nice. I had someone to talk to and for that brief time we were eating, the emptiness went away.
Managing expectations
I know I have many issues primary of which are these:
I have far too little faith. I do not do well in trials. In fact, I hate trials and tribulations and see them as pointless exercises that human beings must needless endure. It doesn't make me a good Christian (we're supposed to endure) and I feel guilty about it.
I just want to be happy and that's my problem. I accept that one cannot be happy all the time (please don't give me that joy is better than happiness stuff). I accept that life does not operate on a continuum but surely I'm allowed to want to be happy, or is that a crime?
My expectations are way too high. Instead of always hoping and believing that something wonderful is round the corner, I should fasten my seatbelt and make do, because that is what grown-ups do. People work because they have to, not because they necessarily love or even like what they do. Everything within me riles against this but I think it's time I grew up and faced reality.
There are other issues but these are the "biggies".
The future
Is shittingly scary. I don't want to look too far ahead because I'm afraid of what is there. So I toil away at my current job, counting down the days to my last day. I don't know what'll happen after that.
Managing expectations. That's what it's all about. It's taken me a while but I think I finally got it.
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
Thursday, 25 October 2007
Touch
My friends do not understand why I make a beeline for their little children every time I see them. I tell them it's because I miss them but the real reason is the hugs. I can go for weeks or even months without touching another human being. When I see those little children, I run towards them to get my fix of human touch. The modern adage that we are more technologically connected yet humanly disconnected than ever before is so true.
Why is that?
A few years ago, I went to a funeral. I sat at the back of the church and wept for the person who passed away. I was surrounded by couples and families and sitting there, at the back of the church, weeping as if my heart would break, I don't think I ever felt more alone in my life. I wanted someone to hold me, to tell me that it was okay, that everything would be fine. I wanted to be comforted in my grief. No one did and then, just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I felt someone's arms around me. It was a friend's husband. I fell into his arms and wept like a fool, grateful for the solace he offered at that particular time. At the back of my mind was the thought that God sent him to me to give me exactly what I needed at that time. Then, like now, I underestimated God. That is why I'm always so surprised when he comes up trumps for me, like that day at the funeral.
The leaves are falling. There is a distinct chill in the air as autumn fades into winter. I turn up my coat and turn my body inwards, cold wisps emanating from my mouth. I stand still for a moment watching busy people march confidently to their offices, decaff, soya lattes in one hand and laptop bags in another. Then I look up. I'm in front of my office. A deep breath and I'm in, another day has begun.
Why is that?
A few years ago, I went to a funeral. I sat at the back of the church and wept for the person who passed away. I was surrounded by couples and families and sitting there, at the back of the church, weeping as if my heart would break, I don't think I ever felt more alone in my life. I wanted someone to hold me, to tell me that it was okay, that everything would be fine. I wanted to be comforted in my grief. No one did and then, just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I felt someone's arms around me. It was a friend's husband. I fell into his arms and wept like a fool, grateful for the solace he offered at that particular time. At the back of my mind was the thought that God sent him to me to give me exactly what I needed at that time. Then, like now, I underestimated God. That is why I'm always so surprised when he comes up trumps for me, like that day at the funeral.
The leaves are falling. There is a distinct chill in the air as autumn fades into winter. I turn up my coat and turn my body inwards, cold wisps emanating from my mouth. I stand still for a moment watching busy people march confidently to their offices, decaff, soya lattes in one hand and laptop bags in another. Then I look up. I'm in front of my office. A deep breath and I'm in, another day has begun.
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
The Contemplative
I am at my most contemplative in the day time. It starts when I open my eyes and continues all the way through my work commute.
The question I've been asking myself recently is this, at which point do I wake up and say, "This is it. This is as good as it gets"? I'm asking because I really would like to know. If you think about it, we're all really treading the same path that's been treaded by billions of people before us and billions more will do the same after. We're born, grow up, get a job, get married, children and then, poof, death.
As a Christian, I know my life is somewhat different. My primary purpose is to know Jesus and make him known, right? Yet, why does it seem that there should be more? I'm filled with a sense of disquiet, of not settling and always reaching out because I so badly want to believe that there ought to be more. There is a struggle. I've been told that Jesus can fulfill my every need and desire yet, I bristle when I hear that because I don't quite believe that he can. Or if he can, it's not in the way that I would like to be fulfilled. Or, is it that I'm too full of self to look outwards and embrace all that's happening around me?
At some point, people realise (or decide) that maybe this is it. This is as good as it gets. Maybe I should take a leaf from their book and decide that this is it. This is as good as it gets. Who knows, maybe I'll have a better appreciation of my life once I've done that.
The question I've been asking myself recently is this, at which point do I wake up and say, "This is it. This is as good as it gets"? I'm asking because I really would like to know. If you think about it, we're all really treading the same path that's been treaded by billions of people before us and billions more will do the same after. We're born, grow up, get a job, get married, children and then, poof, death.
As a Christian, I know my life is somewhat different. My primary purpose is to know Jesus and make him known, right? Yet, why does it seem that there should be more? I'm filled with a sense of disquiet, of not settling and always reaching out because I so badly want to believe that there ought to be more. There is a struggle. I've been told that Jesus can fulfill my every need and desire yet, I bristle when I hear that because I don't quite believe that he can. Or if he can, it's not in the way that I would like to be fulfilled. Or, is it that I'm too full of self to look outwards and embrace all that's happening around me?
At some point, people realise (or decide) that maybe this is it. This is as good as it gets. Maybe I should take a leaf from their book and decide that this is it. This is as good as it gets. Who knows, maybe I'll have a better appreciation of my life once I've done that.
Monday, 22 October 2007
Discovering Self
A friend stood me up at the weekend. We were supposed to go out for a meal but he changed his mind. I didn't realise how much I was looking forward to the meal until he told me he couldn't make it. Perhaps it wasn't so much the meal but the company that I was looking forward to. I didn't realise I was so starved of human interaction.
After he stood me up, I walked around for a few minutes wondering what to do. I didn't want to go home to an empty flat (deafening silence mean anything?). In desperation, I called a couple I knew, intending to kill a few hours at their place. I got their voicemail. Suddenly, a light went on in my head and I found myself walking inside a Japanese restaurant. "Yes, table for one," I said to the waiter. He led me to a table where I ordered some food and the house wine. As I was ordering the food, I was filled with such a sense of peace and wellbeing that I thought to myself, "Actually, this is great. There is nowhere I would rather be, than being here, in this restaurant, by myself."
And it was true. I really did enjoy myself. I ordered some relatively expensive food and enjoyed every morsel. The wine didn't disappoint either. The whole experience was just what I needed and thinking about it now, I'll probably go back to the restaurant another time.
Blog update
Many thanks for your messages about this blog. I think I panicked about exposing my innermost thoughts about this (sometimes hideous) single journey and I worried about being judged. I'm working on another blog and will let you know as soon as it goes live. Having said that, nothing is as it seems in Jerusalemville at the moment so the blog might never be made public.
I'm still not sure about this blog. I've had quite a few kind messages from people which leads me to think that it does have a purpose but things are so topsy turvy at the moment that I really don't know if I'm coming or going.
As for work, well, counting down to when I leave. As for what happens after, who knows? But then again, anything is better than this; being broke, still renting in my late (late) 30s, in debt and an almost (smothered) hope of ever meeting someone or having children. What happened to me? Did I miss the boat somewhere?
Somebody please give us answers
I have to ask myself these questions because many single women I know are asking themselves the same questions.
"Jerusalem, it's okay for you," a friend said. "You don't have any problems. You're always so happy go lucky. Look at me, I'm 37. I want to settle down and have children but look, nothing is on the horizon. Is it a career I'll take to my grave?"
I laughed inside. I've fooled people so badly that even I am amazed when they think my life is honky-dory. I comforted my friend the only way I knew how; by telling her to hold on (well, what else could I say?). I've said it once and I'll say it again; it's not a case of marketing one's self or going "out there" to ensnare a man, any man. In any case, something happens when you're 35. You find out that men stop looking at you, choosing instead to look through you to check out the 20-somethings standing behind you. And that's a fact.
I think I've written enough for today. This was meant to be a light-hearted post but something went wrong somewhere. Sorry. Will try harder next time.
After he stood me up, I walked around for a few minutes wondering what to do. I didn't want to go home to an empty flat (deafening silence mean anything?). In desperation, I called a couple I knew, intending to kill a few hours at their place. I got their voicemail. Suddenly, a light went on in my head and I found myself walking inside a Japanese restaurant. "Yes, table for one," I said to the waiter. He led me to a table where I ordered some food and the house wine. As I was ordering the food, I was filled with such a sense of peace and wellbeing that I thought to myself, "Actually, this is great. There is nowhere I would rather be, than being here, in this restaurant, by myself."
And it was true. I really did enjoy myself. I ordered some relatively expensive food and enjoyed every morsel. The wine didn't disappoint either. The whole experience was just what I needed and thinking about it now, I'll probably go back to the restaurant another time.
Blog update
Many thanks for your messages about this blog. I think I panicked about exposing my innermost thoughts about this (sometimes hideous) single journey and I worried about being judged. I'm working on another blog and will let you know as soon as it goes live. Having said that, nothing is as it seems in Jerusalemville at the moment so the blog might never be made public.
I'm still not sure about this blog. I've had quite a few kind messages from people which leads me to think that it does have a purpose but things are so topsy turvy at the moment that I really don't know if I'm coming or going.
As for work, well, counting down to when I leave. As for what happens after, who knows? But then again, anything is better than this; being broke, still renting in my late (late) 30s, in debt and an almost (smothered) hope of ever meeting someone or having children. What happened to me? Did I miss the boat somewhere?
Somebody please give us answers
I have to ask myself these questions because many single women I know are asking themselves the same questions.
"Jerusalem, it's okay for you," a friend said. "You don't have any problems. You're always so happy go lucky. Look at me, I'm 37. I want to settle down and have children but look, nothing is on the horizon. Is it a career I'll take to my grave?"
I laughed inside. I've fooled people so badly that even I am amazed when they think my life is honky-dory. I comforted my friend the only way I knew how; by telling her to hold on (well, what else could I say?). I've said it once and I'll say it again; it's not a case of marketing one's self or going "out there" to ensnare a man, any man. In any case, something happens when you're 35. You find out that men stop looking at you, choosing instead to look through you to check out the 20-somethings standing behind you. And that's a fact.
I think I've written enough for today. This was meant to be a light-hearted post but something went wrong somewhere. Sorry. Will try harder next time.
Tuesday, 16 October 2007
A Post of Sorts
My week has gone well. No news of Communion Boy but I'm now officially a church volunteer. Started off at the evening service last week and I loved it! Whether it was ushering people inside the service or praying for them afterwards, I absolutely loved it. I woke up on Monday tired but fulfilled.
I have some kind of bad news about this blog. The truth is that I set it up for purely selfish reasons. I wanted somewhere safe and non-judgemental that I could express my feelings about my single journey. What I didn't realise was that in focusing on just that part of my life, it would start playing into other areas of my life that I didn't think were issues in themselves. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not sure I'll keep up the blog anymore. Heck, I'm not even sure I want to keep it up. I'm torn between shutting it down and keeping at it knowing that people read it for whatever reason. When I read through some stuff that I've written, I wonder if I shouldn't be committed to some mental institution somewhere. I know I said the blog would be real, but come on! I didn't think I would emotionally outbleed myself all over the internet, which I've done. And you know what? I don't regret it.
The future
Is bright. Sunny. Uncertain. I've tendered in my resignation at my job. I have a few ideas on what I'll be doing next but nothing concrete. Some agencies have got back to me regarding some jobs. I wouldn't hold my breath because I know what agencies are like. But hey, c'est la vie.
Jerusalem is not finished. She might be resurrected in another blog. She might even decide that she wants to carry on with this one. Whatever happens, know this; God is in control.
Viva life.
I have some kind of bad news about this blog. The truth is that I set it up for purely selfish reasons. I wanted somewhere safe and non-judgemental that I could express my feelings about my single journey. What I didn't realise was that in focusing on just that part of my life, it would start playing into other areas of my life that I didn't think were issues in themselves. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not sure I'll keep up the blog anymore. Heck, I'm not even sure I want to keep it up. I'm torn between shutting it down and keeping at it knowing that people read it for whatever reason. When I read through some stuff that I've written, I wonder if I shouldn't be committed to some mental institution somewhere. I know I said the blog would be real, but come on! I didn't think I would emotionally outbleed myself all over the internet, which I've done. And you know what? I don't regret it.
The future
Is bright. Sunny. Uncertain. I've tendered in my resignation at my job. I have a few ideas on what I'll be doing next but nothing concrete. Some agencies have got back to me regarding some jobs. I wouldn't hold my breath because I know what agencies are like. But hey, c'est la vie.
Jerusalem is not finished. She might be resurrected in another blog. She might even decide that she wants to carry on with this one. Whatever happens, know this; God is in control.
Viva life.
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Deliver us from Temptation
Oh dear. The guy from the life before has called me 50 times today. I'm not picking up his calls and neither do I intend to, but I do think it's highly inappropriate for the universe to tempt me at such a time like this, when above all else I'm highly sexually frustrated.
What, single (female) Christians are not allowed to say such things? Oh please.
What, single (female) Christians are not allowed to say such things? Oh please.
Monday, 8 October 2007
Wanting More
Misery loves company. Sorry for the last couple of miserable posts. l am happy about many things but there are many other things that l am equally not happy about; my mum and being single which is why l blogged about those two.
I'll try and rein in my miserable thoughts. Actually, maybe not. This blog is meant to be about my journey and if l feel confused, happy or just plain shit, then l'll blog about it and get it off my chest. It is my blog.
Wanting more
Maybe there's something wrong with me. I really wished that l didn't have such a high sense of expectancy about life but l do. l keep on thinking and hoping that there must, indeed, be more to life than this. I don't mean something 'better' but something more, except l'm not sure what l mean by 'more'. If I die today, what would people say about me? Well, she woke up, went to work and on Sundays, she went to church and that's it. Is that a life? Or are my dreams and expectations unrealistic? Or, should l just make the best of what I have and stop being so infantile?
What is it that keeps us going? Not one day goes by that l don't look around my office and wish that l was elsewhere. When the clock strikes 5, l leap out of my chair and go to the tube station via a circuitous route so that l can get some fresh air and inject some life into my mind and spirit. And the next day, l'm back at my desk doing the same thing. Wanting more and asking God where l misplaced my getout clause.
There must be more to life than this. There must be.
I'll try and rein in my miserable thoughts. Actually, maybe not. This blog is meant to be about my journey and if l feel confused, happy or just plain shit, then l'll blog about it and get it off my chest. It is my blog.
Wanting more
Maybe there's something wrong with me. I really wished that l didn't have such a high sense of expectancy about life but l do. l keep on thinking and hoping that there must, indeed, be more to life than this. I don't mean something 'better' but something more, except l'm not sure what l mean by 'more'. If I die today, what would people say about me? Well, she woke up, went to work and on Sundays, she went to church and that's it. Is that a life? Or are my dreams and expectations unrealistic? Or, should l just make the best of what I have and stop being so infantile?
What is it that keeps us going? Not one day goes by that l don't look around my office and wish that l was elsewhere. When the clock strikes 5, l leap out of my chair and go to the tube station via a circuitous route so that l can get some fresh air and inject some life into my mind and spirit. And the next day, l'm back at my desk doing the same thing. Wanting more and asking God where l misplaced my getout clause.
There must be more to life than this. There must be.
I Meant to Say
My mother called me today. I had a lot to tell her but didn’t say any of it so as usual, I’ll purge myself online. Here goes:
I know what you want to hear when you call me but I choose to ignore your unspoken questions.
I know we’re both getting older. I’m terrified you will die before seeing my children.
When you told me my younger cousins were getting married and you paused to hear my reaction, my heart did skip a beat but I belted out ‘congratulations!’ because I didn’t want you to see my pain.
I would love to quit my job and let’s be honest, my life and move to
I am more terrified than you are that I will end up alone.
I want to give you the very best things that money can buy but I can’t afford it.
I want to tell you about the wonderful dreams I have but I do not have the words so I’m silent.
When I wake up, I ask myself why my life seems so irrelevant.
I wished I wasn’t in so much debt.
I wished I was the kind of daughter you were proud of.
You mistake my gaiety for joy. When I laugh, I’m dying inside.
I laugh a lot because I don’t want people to see the real me.
There are so many things I want to say to you but I can’t. The words get stuck in my throat.
I wished we didn’t have so many pauses in our conversations.
I wished it wasn't like this.
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