He's 2 years younger than me. He started attending church last year and he has a girlfriend. His story is that people dream of but never get there. He dreamt of the girl and their child before he came to the church. When he first told me about that dream, I couldn't and didn't put it down to fantasy. It was too authentic. I've been walking this pentecostal Christian malarkey long enough to know when God is in something. If they're not married within the next 2 years I'll be very surprised.
So, where does that leave me?
I envy them. A part of me wonders why it was so easy for him, after all, I've been at that church for 8 years and nothing. The other part wishes that I wasn't so self-centred, after all, not everything has to be about me.
When I was a child, I tried very hard to be liked. As a teenager, I wondered why I wasn't as pretty as other girls. At university, I pretended that I had it all figured out when the reality was the extreme opposite. I've left university and I still struggle against feelings of inadequacy. I don't like hanging out with my friends much because career-wise, they're waaaay ahead of me (and they've got the car, flat and other property they're renting to prove it). Most of them are on child 2 while I've yet to find myself a man. I know it shouldn't matter but it does and the older I get, the more it matters. There's nothing that kills the spirit more than being surrounded by couples and their families and there's you, resident single (no money, no car, a tenant not a property owner). It absolutely kills me.
So here I am. I wake up every morning with good intentions; be thankful for what you have etc but by the end of the day, I just want to crawl into bed and hide from the world. Who am I? I'm the girl that's always laughing in church. I'm the girl that's always there with a helping hand. I'm the dutiful daughter, conscientious colleague, buddy to her male friends and every girl's 'best friend'. I'm all that and not at all like that. I'm just a girl asking, seeking and trying to figure out my way in life.
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3 comments:
I deal with almost similar issues in my post 'Delay is not denial'. This sounds like the kind of statement that makes me want to wound people, but your time will surely come.
Loving your blog and your honesty, sister girl. Keep the faith, and thanks for stopping by mine......
You are not along my sis, most of mine are even on child 3-4 and I have stopped counting.
It will happen
I admire your honesty girl. We are all at different stages in our lives and the "incomplete" feelings don't go away. I don't know what to say but keep trusting God. He will not let you down.
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