My Almost-Love

We met at a work conference. I'd heard a lot about him from mutual friends and vice versa. Initially, I didn't know who he was but the electricity sizzled between us when we were introduced. Everyone noticed it. It took some time but everything fell into place. We traded mutual friends' names and compared stories. And all I'm thinking is, 'Lord, I just want to sleep with this guy.'

Of course I knew what I was thinking. Of course I knew that I should reign in my lust but I didn't want to. I wanted to know what it was like to be held by a man again. I knew everything I was thinking contradicted my Christian faith but I was past caring. That day, I wanted to be wanted. In the evening, I called room service and asked for the guy's room number. It was given to me. I dialled the number. It kept on ringing. I dialled again. I don't know what I would've said if he'd picked the phone. I don't know if I would've gone all the way if he'd invited me to his bedroom. I don't know about the what-ifs but I found myself going to his floor when he didn't pick up his phone. When I got to his room, I stood in front of the door and lifted up my hand to knock when I saw a few fellow conference attendants approaching the corridor. I didn't wait. I bolted in the opposite direction. I was the good, Christian girl. The guy was known as a slut. I'm not sure I would've borne the shame if they'd seen me in front of the room.

What if
We met again a few weeks later. This time I was sure. He wasn't in lust with me. He wanted to get to know me. I wanted to get to know him too but couldn't. He had a history with too many of our acquaintances. Plus, he wasn't a Christian.

'If only we'd met years earlier,' he said. I nodded.

Today, we're friends. We talk and hang out together. He knows how precious he is in the sight of God although he hasn't made a decision for Christ yet. Once in a while, I catch him watching me with regret in his eyes and I look away. It wasn't meant to be. Instead, I look forward to the future. The one that God has in store for me. One filled with promises and assurances that He knows my heart and will give me my own prince, one after His heart.

Amen.

Mind Games

My mind woke me up this morning. Turns out that even when I'm sleeping, it still works and in this case, overtime.

'Will I ever meet someone, get married and have children?' I asked the empty room when my eyes popped open this morning.

I don't have anybody else to talk to about this stuff which is why I'm purging myself on the Internet. If I tell anybody in church that I'm having a real issue being lonely, they'll tell me Jesus is all I need. If I say I just need them to empathise with me about the challenges I'm currently having as single person, I'm told that marriage is not a bed of roses. Any attempt to say that I understood that but just wanted to be heard, to cry with someone, to grieve for this season of my life is not welcomed. So, I just stick the smile on my face and do my emotional bleeding in private (thanks Frank Peretti for that terminology). But seriously, is it so bad to desire someone of your own?

Why is it so hard to be real in church? I see the woman who hasn't slept with her husband since they got married - she found out he was homosexual on their wedding night - and my heart goes out to her. Why doesn't she just leave? I know why, she has a lot of church cred because, wait for it, she's a married woman.

The job that isn't
I'm wilting in my job. I come in to work in the morning and my brain goes dead, literally. I've reflected on the job interviews I've had this year and acknowledged to myself that I could've done better in certain areas. I've downloaded interview questions and answers off the Internet. I've bought new 'interview' clothes. I've practised question and answer techniques as they relate to the kinds of jobs I'm applying for and somewhere along the line, I've given up. I've been on this train for a while and I just want to get off. My self-esteem is now officially zilch. It didn't happen overnight. It's kind of crept up on me and with all the other stuff happening in my life, my mind has changed. No longer does it say, 'Of course I can do that job! Of course I'll find someone, be married, have children and be fulfilled in every area of my life. Of course I believe that God wants the best for me.' My mind doesn't do that anymore. Instead, it feeds me insidious thoughts, 'This is your lot in life. How dare you hunger for more?' Sometimes, I fight it. Sometimes I don't because I haven't got the energy and other times, I'm indifferent.

Mama never told me
Whatever happened to that girl in university who swore world domination by a certain age? She was vivacious, bubbly and extremely popular. Somewhere along the line life happened and every trace of that girl was removed.

I'm still that girl. At work, in church, with family and friends, I am still that girl. But I know the girl is gone. The girl the world sees does not exist. The real girl exists on the pages of this blog.

Recruitment Agencies

I don't know what it is about recruitment agencies. I've just had this conversation with one:

Jerusalem: So, what's the salary for this role?
Consultant: What are you being paid now?
Jerusalem: £-
Consultant: What's the minimum you want for this role, or indeed any role?
Jerusalem: £-
Consultant: Hmm. Quite honestly, if you're looking for a new job, we don't recommend a salary jump of more than 5% and you're asking for a £7000 increase...that's probably why you haven't been successful in finding another job and you've been looking for so long.

Tell me, what am I supposed to do? I'm all for faith and believing but I come across this very often and I don't know what to do. What it is doing is wearing me down. Everyday in my current job is like my life being sucked out of me. I thank God that I have a job but it's time I stepped up and go up to the next level and I'm just getting knockbacks.

I devour recruitment websites. Devour recruitment agencies' websites. Devour newspapers. I've lost count of how many jobs I've applied to this year alone (100s, by the way) and still nothing. Is it me? Am I applying for the wrong jobs? Am I setting myself too high? Am I inteviewing wrongly? Does God want me to stay in my present job?

So many questions. And no answers.

About Jerusalem

This blog is really about me (no kidding). It will be visceral. It will be funny. It will be hormonal. It will be cerebral. It will be theological. It will be about many things but above all, it will be about me as I navigate my way through life and faith, mainly because I seem to perpetually struggle with both.

I like its anonymousity because it gives me the courage to say many things that I - and many other people - wouldn't ordinarily say. I will in all probability even annoy myself with some stuff that I write but hey, that's just like real life, isn't it. You say something and wonder why the hell you didn't keep your mouth shut in the first place. As they say, c'est la vie.

What it is to be loved

A strange thing has come over me. Everytime I see a ring on another woman's finger, in particular, a younger woman, I'm overtaken with rage and find myself muttering, 'stupid bitch.' I'm getting old and increasingly frightened that I will never find somebody of my own.

My married friends do not understand. 'Marriage is not all sweetness and light,' they tell me. I tell them, 'I understand that, but you have seasons of knowing that the person's got your back. As for me, it's all down to me and just once in a while, I just want someone to fuss over me. For a day. 5 minutes. 1 week. Whatever.'

The other day, I received some amazing news and realised I didn't have anybody to share it with. I told my family which was great but I wanted to tell a special someone and oh look, there's noone there.

It's worse in church. All those dating, courting and marriage books written by self-righteous and sanctified women with no idea of the peculiar dynamics of dating in the 21st century. I have never been to a singles conference and I refuse to go to one for much the same reason.

Lessons of life
I was hanging out with some gals the other day. One of them wondered if she would ever find someone. I told her that if that was her heart's desire, then there was no reason why God wouldn't grant it to her. If truth be known, I didn't believe a word of what I said. But hey, that's my problem not hers.

How did I get here? It wasn't meant to be like this.