What a year this has been. Last Friday was my last day at work. I left the building with mixed emotions; fear, excitement, tension but most of all relief. It is right that my days in that job are over just as it is right that I am saying goodbye to this blog. I'm leaving it behind in 2007 because I want to start 2008 on a fresh plate.
2008 will be the year in which I will enjoy myself. It will be the year in which the first words out of my mouth each morning will be carpe diem (seize the day). It will be a year of happiness. It will be a year of good things and I will reach out and grab hold of those good things with everything that is within me.
I'll miss you all. Thank you for your comments, emails and all. I'll be keeping a discreet eye on all your blogs and who knows, maybe I'll resurface again in blogville...
Until then, carpe diem (seize the day).
Monday, 24 December 2007
Thursday, 6 December 2007
Who's Who in Jerusalemville
There are two Jerusalems; the one who writes this blog and the other, the intercessor, church worker and friend to all and sundry.
I reread my last blog entry yesterday. Yes, that was a particularly bad day. Thank God for this blog that allows me to rant and vent as need be.
I haven't really talked about my church work because I didn't think it was appropriate (I didn't want you all to think I was boasting) but I think I will now. In evangelical/charismatic circles, I'm what you would call an intercessor with the gift of knowledge. When I pray for people, I'm not lying but 98% of the time, I get the facts of their situation right and they hear from God. In my office, I know personal stuff about other people that God has told me in my prayer time. Of course, I don't say anything to them because that's not what it's about but I can't help but wonder, Lord, what about me...
I did get an answer once. It went something like this: 'Your gift is not for you but for other people.' I didn't like that at all but it's given me an appreciation of what pastors go through. They see miracles and answers to prayer in the course of their work and they go home to an empty house because they're having problems conceiving. It can't be easy but following Christ was never meant to be easy.
What is true Christianity?
True Christianity is dangerous. It's dangerous because it makes you emotionally and spiritually vulnerable. Let's face it, when everything falls apart and you're lying in shit, you don't have any choice but to be open to God. In Christianity, we call that being broken. It's dangerous because being 'broken' means being fragile and from my experience, it's not a particularly nice place to be. I want to be in control. I want answers but with God, I'm learning to accept that sometimes, you don't get answers. I'm learning that with each season of pain comes life lessons that we wouldn't have learnt otherwise.
I don't know if I love God. I don't know why I hang on so tenaciously to this faith of mine. I don't know many things but if there's one thing I've learnt this year, it's this: sometimes, there aren't any answers and I have to be content with that.
I reread my last blog entry yesterday. Yes, that was a particularly bad day. Thank God for this blog that allows me to rant and vent as need be.
I haven't really talked about my church work because I didn't think it was appropriate (I didn't want you all to think I was boasting) but I think I will now. In evangelical/charismatic circles, I'm what you would call an intercessor with the gift of knowledge. When I pray for people, I'm not lying but 98% of the time, I get the facts of their situation right and they hear from God. In my office, I know personal stuff about other people that God has told me in my prayer time. Of course, I don't say anything to them because that's not what it's about but I can't help but wonder, Lord, what about me...
I did get an answer once. It went something like this: 'Your gift is not for you but for other people.' I didn't like that at all but it's given me an appreciation of what pastors go through. They see miracles and answers to prayer in the course of their work and they go home to an empty house because they're having problems conceiving. It can't be easy but following Christ was never meant to be easy.
What is true Christianity?
True Christianity is dangerous. It's dangerous because it makes you emotionally and spiritually vulnerable. Let's face it, when everything falls apart and you're lying in shit, you don't have any choice but to be open to God. In Christianity, we call that being broken. It's dangerous because being 'broken' means being fragile and from my experience, it's not a particularly nice place to be. I want to be in control. I want answers but with God, I'm learning to accept that sometimes, you don't get answers. I'm learning that with each season of pain comes life lessons that we wouldn't have learnt otherwise.
I don't know if I love God. I don't know why I hang on so tenaciously to this faith of mine. I don't know many things but if there's one thing I've learnt this year, it's this: sometimes, there aren't any answers and I have to be content with that.
Saturday, 1 December 2007
Hello
I'm still here. Didn't really have much to say so haven't blogged much. But I am alive and well. And that's the most important thing. I was thinking to myself the other day. Why is it that I'm trying so hard to do things, move forward in my life and I keep on getting knockbacks? Why is it that everywhere I look, I see people being successful at everything they do and I fail rather spectacularly? I know life's not fair but just once in a while, I need a break.
Pray harder. Fast more. Let God be God. You're doing it all in your own strength. I've heard it all and none of it works. I've prayed, fasted, let go, let God be God, done all I can to really make things work and still nothing. Am I going to wake up one day and find that I am a never-married 50 something woman, who is still carrying her disappointments and emotional pain around her like they're her best friends? I really, really don't want to and everything within me riles at the thought. So I try harder, to make a success out of my life, only I fail.
And I thought I was doing so well
I really did. I refused to look ahead. I didn't have any expectations. I focused on the here and now but all of a sudden, it all got a bit much and I'm back to square bloody one.
I've just had enough. All I want; get a decent enough paying job that will enable me to finally buy my own place and get a decent pension seeing as it's blatantly obvious that I will die alone. It's not much, so why am I finding it so difficult?
I'm mad. Mad at myself because I am trying so bloody hard and nothing is happening.
It's.Just.So.Shit
Pray harder. Fast more. Let God be God. You're doing it all in your own strength. I've heard it all and none of it works. I've prayed, fasted, let go, let God be God, done all I can to really make things work and still nothing. Am I going to wake up one day and find that I am a never-married 50 something woman, who is still carrying her disappointments and emotional pain around her like they're her best friends? I really, really don't want to and everything within me riles at the thought. So I try harder, to make a success out of my life, only I fail.
And I thought I was doing so well
I really did. I refused to look ahead. I didn't have any expectations. I focused on the here and now but all of a sudden, it all got a bit much and I'm back to square bloody one.
I've just had enough. All I want; get a decent enough paying job that will enable me to finally buy my own place and get a decent pension seeing as it's blatantly obvious that I will die alone. It's not much, so why am I finding it so difficult?
I'm mad. Mad at myself because I am trying so bloody hard and nothing is happening.
It's.Just.So.Shit
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