I Think, Therefore I am

I don't think I think too much. Rather, I like to think things through. Which is why I'm here. I want to make sense of the things that I see, touch and hear. I want to make sense of this journey; Christianity and being single. And I hope that this blog will enable me to do that. Much has been written about the cathartic effects of writing. Well, I hope this blog will help me do just that - be catharticised.

The tears came again yesterday. After church, I headed towards the underground. By the time I got to my platform - journey total between my church and underground; 5 mins - I had tears in my eyes. Recently, this walk seems representative of my faith and single life. I know I'm on a journey. I know where I'm going but I don't know where I'm walking to.

I hate leaving church after the service in the midst of all the families and couples. I always feel like they're watching me leave and thinking, here she goes again, all by herself. So I sit in the pews until I'm sure the crowd outside has thinned before making my way towards the underground.

Yesterday, as I stood on the platform, waiting for the tube, an overwhelming sense of loneliness just hit me. Standing there, on that platform, was the sense of being utterly alone. I stood still for a moment or two, berated myself for being very foolish before straightening up and looking determinedly ahead. What happened to your pride, girl? I think it had something to do with the young couple I saw in church. The wife was pregnant. Seems like only yesterday they were married. Took me back to a scenario I found myself a few months ago. Everywhere I looked, friends were making planning plans to have child Number Two and there I was, nowhere close to even meeting someone. And just like I did on the platform, I straightened up and looked determinedly ahead to my future.

Three months ago, a friend sent me an email. Perhaps you should recommend x book to your single friends, he wrote. I sent him a reply: firstly, I don't read dating or courting or preparing for marriage books for the same reasons I don't go to 'singles' conferences; they are headed by a married person with no conceivable idea of what it means to be Christian and single in the 21st century. I don't want anyone telling me I'm whole and single because I know that I am whole and single. I don't anyone telling me that I should be making full use of my time as a single person because all that will go when I'm married which never fails to piss me off as assumptions about my time are wont to do. And thirdly, I don't like people telling me that I'm single because I want to be. After all, if I wasn't so choosy, so full of myself, so blah, blah, then I would be married or at the very least, be with someone.

Needless to say, he didn't respond. He probably thought I was being sensitive about the whole 'singles' thing, which is wrong. Because I'm not. I just want people to understand the complexities of today's dating world which when coupled with the teachings of charismatic Christianity has left millions of people - male and female - scratching their heads and wondering how in heaven's name matters have come to this; hurting, single people in the pews.