Who am I? That's the question that people ask, many times in the course of a lifetime. The Bible says that my name is engraved in the palms of God hands. That means that He cannot forget about me, even if He wanted to. Yet, I find myself wondering and searching for that elusive moment when I can say, this is it. This is really who I am and where I'm meant to be.
I have a great job and I've had a quite a few jobs in my lifetime, yet, I still have the undefined sense that there is something bigger out there. That this is not where I'm supposed to be. Some people call it the wandering eye syndrome. Sufferers are never satisfied with who or where they are because they're too busy looking for 'the big one', 'something better.' I don't think that's necessarily true because although I am content a lot of the time, I still cannot shake off the yearning feeling of there being more out there. Many women experience this. We yearn to belong, to be a part of something. When we're single, we yearn to be connected with someone. To be settled. Married. When we're married, for the most part we want (or yearn) in some cases to have children and during those seemingly interminable child-bearing and toddler years, we yearn to be validated outside the home. It's a perpetual cycle. Are we ever going to get to the stage when we can actually sit back and thank the Lord for where we are on the way to where we're going, because that's the challenge, isn't it?
The weather's rather arctic today. I need to hurry home. Today has been a good day.
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
Monday, 19 March 2007
I Think, Therefore I am
I don't think I think too much. Rather, I like to think things through. Which is why I'm here. I want to make sense of the things that I see, touch and hear. I want to make sense of this journey; Christianity and being single. And I hope that this blog will enable me to do that. Much has been written about the cathartic effects of writing. Well, I hope this blog will help me do just that - be catharticised.
The tears came again yesterday. After church, I headed towards the underground. By the time I got to my platform - journey total between my church and underground; 5 mins - I had tears in my eyes. Recently, this walk seems representative of my faith and single life. I know I'm on a journey. I know where I'm going but I don't know where I'm walking to.
I hate leaving church after the service in the midst of all the families and couples. I always feel like they're watching me leave and thinking, here she goes again, all by herself. So I sit in the pews until I'm sure the crowd outside has thinned before making my way towards the underground.
Yesterday, as I stood on the platform, waiting for the tube, an overwhelming sense of loneliness just hit me. Standing there, on that platform, was the sense of being utterly alone. I stood still for a moment or two, berated myself for being very foolish before straightening up and looking determinedly ahead. What happened to your pride, girl? I think it had something to do with the young couple I saw in church. The wife was pregnant. Seems like only yesterday they were married. Took me back to a scenario I found myself a few months ago. Everywhere I looked, friends were making planning plans to have child Number Two and there I was, nowhere close to even meeting someone. And just like I did on the platform, I straightened up and looked determinedly ahead to my future.
Three months ago, a friend sent me an email. Perhaps you should recommend x book to your single friends, he wrote. I sent him a reply: firstly, I don't read dating or courting or preparing for marriage books for the same reasons I don't go to 'singles' conferences; they are headed by a married person with no conceivable idea of what it means to be Christian and single in the 21st century. I don't want anyone telling me I'm whole and single because I know that I am whole and single. I don't anyone telling me that I should be making full use of my time as a single person because all that will go when I'm married which never fails to piss me off as assumptions about my time are wont to do. And thirdly, I don't like people telling me that I'm single because I want to be. After all, if I wasn't so choosy, so full of myself, so blah, blah, then I would be married or at the very least, be with someone.
Needless to say, he didn't respond. He probably thought I was being sensitive about the whole 'singles' thing, which is wrong. Because I'm not. I just want people to understand the complexities of today's dating world which when coupled with the teachings of charismatic Christianity has left millions of people - male and female - scratching their heads and wondering how in heaven's name matters have come to this; hurting, single people in the pews.
The tears came again yesterday. After church, I headed towards the underground. By the time I got to my platform - journey total between my church and underground; 5 mins - I had tears in my eyes. Recently, this walk seems representative of my faith and single life. I know I'm on a journey. I know where I'm going but I don't know where I'm walking to.
I hate leaving church after the service in the midst of all the families and couples. I always feel like they're watching me leave and thinking, here she goes again, all by herself. So I sit in the pews until I'm sure the crowd outside has thinned before making my way towards the underground.
Yesterday, as I stood on the platform, waiting for the tube, an overwhelming sense of loneliness just hit me. Standing there, on that platform, was the sense of being utterly alone. I stood still for a moment or two, berated myself for being very foolish before straightening up and looking determinedly ahead. What happened to your pride, girl? I think it had something to do with the young couple I saw in church. The wife was pregnant. Seems like only yesterday they were married. Took me back to a scenario I found myself a few months ago. Everywhere I looked, friends were making planning plans to have child Number Two and there I was, nowhere close to even meeting someone. And just like I did on the platform, I straightened up and looked determinedly ahead to my future.
Three months ago, a friend sent me an email. Perhaps you should recommend x book to your single friends, he wrote. I sent him a reply: firstly, I don't read dating or courting or preparing for marriage books for the same reasons I don't go to 'singles' conferences; they are headed by a married person with no conceivable idea of what it means to be Christian and single in the 21st century. I don't want anyone telling me I'm whole and single because I know that I am whole and single. I don't anyone telling me that I should be making full use of my time as a single person because all that will go when I'm married which never fails to piss me off as assumptions about my time are wont to do. And thirdly, I don't like people telling me that I'm single because I want to be. After all, if I wasn't so choosy, so full of myself, so blah, blah, then I would be married or at the very least, be with someone.
Needless to say, he didn't respond. He probably thought I was being sensitive about the whole 'singles' thing, which is wrong. Because I'm not. I just want people to understand the complexities of today's dating world which when coupled with the teachings of charismatic Christianity has left millions of people - male and female - scratching their heads and wondering how in heaven's name matters have come to this; hurting, single people in the pews.
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