Going Arty

It’s occurred to me that I don’t have fun anymore. I’ve been so busy hiding my inner self from the world that I’ve lost the art of enjoying myself. So, this week, I’m going visiting; to the museums, galleries and the odd theatre. The first two are free and as for the theatre, well, I’ll figure something. Either way, the whole emphasis is on fun and rediscovering myself.

And now for some ludicrous news. I’ve been checking out a guy in church. I don’t know who he is or anything about him. I’ve only ever seen him twice and to be honest with you, I don’t think he knows I exist. My head tells me that someone like him is bound to be attached to someone. It’s sod’s law. But another part of me tells me it’s okay to dream. I hope I see the guy again. I don’t know what I’ll do if I do see him though. I might smile. I might look away or in all likelihood, just walk past, flashing a smile as I do so. Or not. I’m in my thirties. I can’t do coy anymore without looking stupid, so maybe I shouldn’t smile. Maybe I should just walk past. Maybe I should stop with the maybes and see how it goes.

I’m writing about this guy because last night, I dreamt of him, which was strange because I haven’t dreamt about someone I like for quite a while. Okay, years. He wasn’t even doing anything particular in the dream. He was just there. I’m not foolish enough to think that the dream is a sign from heaven. It was just odd, having that dream.

The image of Christ

I was called fat the other day. I walked into the person’s living room.

“Jerusalem, you’re fat!” she exclaimed.

This is a delicate situation. I told her my body shape was quite weird and in any case, it wasn’t about how much one weighed. It was about clothes size. “I’m a UK size 10. The national clothes size average for a UK woman is a size 14,” I finished.

“Size or not, you’re still fat.”

I didn’t think I was affected until I realised that I’d been covering myself with a cardigan all week. The terrible weather helps but now, with the sun out, what am I supposed to do? I know I shouldn’t listen to what she said but words have a way of maiming one even if what is said is not necessarily true.

It is well.

In the Still of the Night

I didn’t sleep on Saturday. One thing and one thing only kept me awake. ‘If I died now, right this very minute, who would notice? Would anybody even notice that I was gone?’

My friend is in her 40s. She’s not married and doesn’t have any family in the country. I call her up a few times a week just to confirm that she’s alive and well. Don’t get me wrong. She doesn’t have a dehabilitating illness or anything. She has a great job, is full of life and loves the Lord with all her heart. There is no rational reason why she should die and her body left alone in her house for weeks without being discovered. And that’s the problem. We live in a fallen world and things happen; a bungled burglary, sudden blood clot or…anything. And that’s the fear of many singles - Christian or not; not having someone there when we need them. We’re also aware of our frailty and vulnerability. We want to belong and yet, sometimes, when we are asked to be a part of something; a social event or whatever, our vulnerability makes us hold back.

I’m guilty of this. I don’t go to ‘family stuff’ events which pretty much cuts out a substantial chunk of my social calendar. I don’t want to be faced by my friends and their young families neither do I want to be faced by my relatives and their families. I tell myself that I’m being ridiculous. Nobody will notice my tears when I see my friends’ children playing around. Nobody will notice if I turn my eyes away from a spouse’s familiar touch on the arm. Nobody will notice my gritty smile when they say, ‘Jerusalem, I can’t wait for you to get married and have children.’

And I’m right. They wouldn’t notice because they’re too involved in their own lives to notice the lone ranger in their midst.

Speaking the truth in season

I was with some friends a few weeks ago. ‘Jerusalem, do you think I’ll get married and have children? You know, have something of my own?’ a friend asked me earnestly. She wanted reassurance, I knew.

‘But of course you are,’ I said. ‘If that is your heart’s desire, there is no reason why the Lord shouldn’t grant it to you. He’s your Father.’

I didn’t believe a word I said. What I really wanted to say was, ‘I don’t know that you will get married. In fact, I don’t believe that you will get married. The truth is that you will probably have a fantastic career and dedicated church life as many church women do, but you probably wouldn’t get married and have children, just like many church women.’

My battles are my battles. My job as a Christian is to draw people closer to God, strengthen their faith walk and never, under any circumstances, make someone stumble in their faith because of my issues. I didn’t understand that before but I know so now, which is why I told her what she needed to hear, rather than the truth such as I perceived it to be.

Doing time

In answer to the infamous question, ‘what am I doing with my life?’, I’m keeping busy; job hunting, house hunting, finding out what makes me, me. Someday, somehow, perhaps I’ll be able to answer that question. Until then, who knows.

Scheduling

I've decided to update this blog on a weekly basis. I think it's better that way. So, starting next Sunday, I will have a weekly post.

In the meantime, I'll be thinking of those infamous words that was thrown at me a few days ago, 'Jerusalem, what are you doing with your life?'

And the Last Shall be the First

He's 2 years younger than me. He started attending church last year and he has a girlfriend. His story is that people dream of but never get there. He dreamt of the girl and their child before he came to the church. When he first told me about that dream, I couldn't and didn't put it down to fantasy. It was too authentic. I've been walking this pentecostal Christian malarkey long enough to know when God is in something. If they're not married within the next 2 years I'll be very surprised.

So, where does that leave me?
I envy them. A part of me wonders why it was so easy for him, after all, I've been at that church for 8 years and nothing. The other part wishes that I wasn't so self-centred, after all, not everything has to be about me.

When I was a child, I tried very hard to be liked. As a teenager, I wondered why I wasn't as pretty as other girls. At university, I pretended that I had it all figured out when the reality was the extreme opposite. I've left university and I still struggle against feelings of inadequacy. I don't like hanging out with my friends much because career-wise, they're waaaay ahead of me (and they've got the car, flat and other property they're renting to prove it). Most of them are on child 2 while I've yet to find myself a man. I know it shouldn't matter but it does and the older I get, the more it matters. There's nothing that kills the spirit more than being surrounded by couples and their families and there's you, resident single (no money, no car, a tenant not a property owner). It absolutely kills me.

So here I am. I wake up every morning with good intentions; be thankful for what you have etc but by the end of the day, I just want to crawl into bed and hide from the world. Who am I? I'm the girl that's always laughing in church. I'm the girl that's always there with a helping hand. I'm the dutiful daughter, conscientious colleague, buddy to her male friends and every girl's 'best friend'. I'm all that and not at all like that. I'm just a girl asking, seeking and trying to figure out my way in life.

My Almost-Love

We met at a work conference. I'd heard a lot about him from mutual friends and vice versa. Initially, I didn't know who he was but the electricity sizzled between us when we were introduced. Everyone noticed it. It took some time but everything fell into place. We traded mutual friends' names and compared stories. And all I'm thinking is, 'Lord, I just want to sleep with this guy.'

Of course I knew what I was thinking. Of course I knew that I should reign in my lust but I didn't want to. I wanted to know what it was like to be held by a man again. I knew everything I was thinking contradicted my Christian faith but I was past caring. That day, I wanted to be wanted. In the evening, I called room service and asked for the guy's room number. It was given to me. I dialled the number. It kept on ringing. I dialled again. I don't know what I would've said if he'd picked the phone. I don't know if I would've gone all the way if he'd invited me to his bedroom. I don't know about the what-ifs but I found myself going to his floor when he didn't pick up his phone. When I got to his room, I stood in front of the door and lifted up my hand to knock when I saw a few fellow conference attendants approaching the corridor. I didn't wait. I bolted in the opposite direction. I was the good, Christian girl. The guy was known as a slut. I'm not sure I would've borne the shame if they'd seen me in front of the room.

What if
We met again a few weeks later. This time I was sure. He wasn't in lust with me. He wanted to get to know me. I wanted to get to know him too but couldn't. He had a history with too many of our acquaintances. Plus, he wasn't a Christian.

'If only we'd met years earlier,' he said. I nodded.

Today, we're friends. We talk and hang out together. He knows how precious he is in the sight of God although he hasn't made a decision for Christ yet. Once in a while, I catch him watching me with regret in his eyes and I look away. It wasn't meant to be. Instead, I look forward to the future. The one that God has in store for me. One filled with promises and assurances that He knows my heart and will give me my own prince, one after His heart.

Amen.

Mind Games

My mind woke me up this morning. Turns out that even when I'm sleeping, it still works and in this case, overtime.

'Will I ever meet someone, get married and have children?' I asked the empty room when my eyes popped open this morning.

I don't have anybody else to talk to about this stuff which is why I'm purging myself on the Internet. If I tell anybody in church that I'm having a real issue being lonely, they'll tell me Jesus is all I need. If I say I just need them to empathise with me about the challenges I'm currently having as single person, I'm told that marriage is not a bed of roses. Any attempt to say that I understood that but just wanted to be heard, to cry with someone, to grieve for this season of my life is not welcomed. So, I just stick the smile on my face and do my emotional bleeding in private (thanks Frank Peretti for that terminology). But seriously, is it so bad to desire someone of your own?

Why is it so hard to be real in church? I see the woman who hasn't slept with her husband since they got married - she found out he was homosexual on their wedding night - and my heart goes out to her. Why doesn't she just leave? I know why, she has a lot of church cred because, wait for it, she's a married woman.

The job that isn't
I'm wilting in my job. I come in to work in the morning and my brain goes dead, literally. I've reflected on the job interviews I've had this year and acknowledged to myself that I could've done better in certain areas. I've downloaded interview questions and answers off the Internet. I've bought new 'interview' clothes. I've practised question and answer techniques as they relate to the kinds of jobs I'm applying for and somewhere along the line, I've given up. I've been on this train for a while and I just want to get off. My self-esteem is now officially zilch. It didn't happen overnight. It's kind of crept up on me and with all the other stuff happening in my life, my mind has changed. No longer does it say, 'Of course I can do that job! Of course I'll find someone, be married, have children and be fulfilled in every area of my life. Of course I believe that God wants the best for me.' My mind doesn't do that anymore. Instead, it feeds me insidious thoughts, 'This is your lot in life. How dare you hunger for more?' Sometimes, I fight it. Sometimes I don't because I haven't got the energy and other times, I'm indifferent.

Mama never told me
Whatever happened to that girl in university who swore world domination by a certain age? She was vivacious, bubbly and extremely popular. Somewhere along the line life happened and every trace of that girl was removed.

I'm still that girl. At work, in church, with family and friends, I am still that girl. But I know the girl is gone. The girl the world sees does not exist. The real girl exists on the pages of this blog.

Recruitment Agencies

I don't know what it is about recruitment agencies. I've just had this conversation with one:

Jerusalem: So, what's the salary for this role?
Consultant: What are you being paid now?
Jerusalem: £-
Consultant: What's the minimum you want for this role, or indeed any role?
Jerusalem: £-
Consultant: Hmm. Quite honestly, if you're looking for a new job, we don't recommend a salary jump of more than 5% and you're asking for a £7000 increase...that's probably why you haven't been successful in finding another job and you've been looking for so long.

Tell me, what am I supposed to do? I'm all for faith and believing but I come across this very often and I don't know what to do. What it is doing is wearing me down. Everyday in my current job is like my life being sucked out of me. I thank God that I have a job but it's time I stepped up and go up to the next level and I'm just getting knockbacks.

I devour recruitment websites. Devour recruitment agencies' websites. Devour newspapers. I've lost count of how many jobs I've applied to this year alone (100s, by the way) and still nothing. Is it me? Am I applying for the wrong jobs? Am I setting myself too high? Am I inteviewing wrongly? Does God want me to stay in my present job?

So many questions. And no answers.

About Jerusalem

This blog is really about me (no kidding). It will be visceral. It will be funny. It will be hormonal. It will be cerebral. It will be theological. It will be about many things but above all, it will be about me as I navigate my way through life and faith, mainly because I seem to perpetually struggle with both.

I like its anonymousity because it gives me the courage to say many things that I - and many other people - wouldn't ordinarily say. I will in all probability even annoy myself with some stuff that I write but hey, that's just like real life, isn't it. You say something and wonder why the hell you didn't keep your mouth shut in the first place. As they say, c'est la vie.

What it is to be loved

A strange thing has come over me. Everytime I see a ring on another woman's finger, in particular, a younger woman, I'm overtaken with rage and find myself muttering, 'stupid bitch.' I'm getting old and increasingly frightened that I will never find somebody of my own.

My married friends do not understand. 'Marriage is not all sweetness and light,' they tell me. I tell them, 'I understand that, but you have seasons of knowing that the person's got your back. As for me, it's all down to me and just once in a while, I just want someone to fuss over me. For a day. 5 minutes. 1 week. Whatever.'

The other day, I received some amazing news and realised I didn't have anybody to share it with. I told my family which was great but I wanted to tell a special someone and oh look, there's noone there.

It's worse in church. All those dating, courting and marriage books written by self-righteous and sanctified women with no idea of the peculiar dynamics of dating in the 21st century. I have never been to a singles conference and I refuse to go to one for much the same reason.

Lessons of life
I was hanging out with some gals the other day. One of them wondered if she would ever find someone. I told her that if that was her heart's desire, then there was no reason why God wouldn't grant it to her. If truth be known, I didn't believe a word of what I said. But hey, that's my problem not hers.

How did I get here? It wasn't meant to be like this.

Who Am I?

Who am I? That's the question that people ask, many times in the course of a lifetime. The Bible says that my name is engraved in the palms of God hands. That means that He cannot forget about me, even if He wanted to. Yet, I find myself wondering and searching for that elusive moment when I can say, this is it. This is really who I am and where I'm meant to be.

I have a great job and I've had a quite a few jobs in my lifetime, yet, I still have the undefined sense that there is something bigger out there. That this is not where I'm supposed to be. Some people call it the wandering eye syndrome. Sufferers are never satisfied with who or where they are because they're too busy looking for 'the big one', 'something better.' I don't think that's necessarily true because although I am content a lot of the time, I still cannot shake off the yearning feeling of there being more out there. Many women experience this. We yearn to belong, to be a part of something. When we're single, we yearn to be connected with someone. To be settled. Married. When we're married, for the most part we want (or yearn) in some cases to have children and during those seemingly interminable child-bearing and toddler years, we yearn to be validated outside the home. It's a perpetual cycle. Are we ever going to get to the stage when we can actually sit back and thank the Lord for where we are on the way to where we're going, because that's the challenge, isn't it?

The weather's rather arctic today. I need to hurry home. Today has been a good day.

I Think, Therefore I am

I don't think I think too much. Rather, I like to think things through. Which is why I'm here. I want to make sense of the things that I see, touch and hear. I want to make sense of this journey; Christianity and being single. And I hope that this blog will enable me to do that. Much has been written about the cathartic effects of writing. Well, I hope this blog will help me do just that - be catharticised.

The tears came again yesterday. After church, I headed towards the underground. By the time I got to my platform - journey total between my church and underground; 5 mins - I had tears in my eyes. Recently, this walk seems representative of my faith and single life. I know I'm on a journey. I know where I'm going but I don't know where I'm walking to.

I hate leaving church after the service in the midst of all the families and couples. I always feel like they're watching me leave and thinking, here she goes again, all by herself. So I sit in the pews until I'm sure the crowd outside has thinned before making my way towards the underground.

Yesterday, as I stood on the platform, waiting for the tube, an overwhelming sense of loneliness just hit me. Standing there, on that platform, was the sense of being utterly alone. I stood still for a moment or two, berated myself for being very foolish before straightening up and looking determinedly ahead. What happened to your pride, girl? I think it had something to do with the young couple I saw in church. The wife was pregnant. Seems like only yesterday they were married. Took me back to a scenario I found myself a few months ago. Everywhere I looked, friends were making planning plans to have child Number Two and there I was, nowhere close to even meeting someone. And just like I did on the platform, I straightened up and looked determinedly ahead to my future.

Three months ago, a friend sent me an email. Perhaps you should recommend x book to your single friends, he wrote. I sent him a reply: firstly, I don't read dating or courting or preparing for marriage books for the same reasons I don't go to 'singles' conferences; they are headed by a married person with no conceivable idea of what it means to be Christian and single in the 21st century. I don't want anyone telling me I'm whole and single because I know that I am whole and single. I don't anyone telling me that I should be making full use of my time as a single person because all that will go when I'm married which never fails to piss me off as assumptions about my time are wont to do. And thirdly, I don't like people telling me that I'm single because I want to be. After all, if I wasn't so choosy, so full of myself, so blah, blah, then I would be married or at the very least, be with someone.

Needless to say, he didn't respond. He probably thought I was being sensitive about the whole 'singles' thing, which is wrong. Because I'm not. I just want people to understand the complexities of today's dating world which when coupled with the teachings of charismatic Christianity has left millions of people - male and female - scratching their heads and wondering how in heaven's name matters have come to this; hurting, single people in the pews.